永远不放弃搞笑

2010-10-19T22:55:00.001+08:00

To the dear friends who have encouraged me to continue to write, drop me a comment or msg so that I can let you know the whereabouts =)

2010-10-10T22:30:00.007+08:00

"大家。。。你们都说对了。我的确变瘦了。哭掉几公升的泪，不变瘦还是人吗？“

When we say things like “people don’t change” it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It’s always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that’s up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.
— Grey’s Anatomy

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It is with a heavy heart that I've decided to do this.

I've been writing here for a long time. Been 10 years I think, and I feel it is time.

There are many things that I wrote here that are absolutely angry, spiteful and unfair ... and I feel disgusted.

For my betterment and change, I've decided not to pen down anything here anymore.

Goodbye.

2010-10-10T16:12:00.003+08:00

等我。。。

No time = Lack of entries. A few points I want to share ...

Work has became a huge part of my life. Been waking up at 6am in order to reach at 645 for me to “host some VIPs”, and to be honest, I may be a little burnt out. This weekend has been much appreciated.

For the friends who I see during weekdays, please endure and tolerate my crankiness and my lameness. =/ It's my outlet of release and my way to retain that bit of humour in myself. I apologise in advance =x

I have decided to extend my self-reflection journey. Primarily because I feel I need more time ... to find out and ask myself more questions.

等我。

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"They would also be puzzled and upset that I was happy to work serving coffee and finding such pleasure and friendship with people they would hardly notice. They would be surprised that Crystal and her Partners had become such good friends for me.

My mother and father would be very uncomfortable with what to them would have been a shocking truth: I was satisfied with my simple life. I could not live to make my parents happy anymore.

I could not deny the feeling of a growing happiness in my heart. This new, quiet, inner happiness kept catching me unawares in the midst of a rush of serving a big line at Starbucks. I also felt my happiness blossom in a kind of warmth in my heart in the nurturing silences and my lack of any real social life. No more fancy parties. I knew my parents would have wanted me to continue to join in with their view of a wonderful life in a perfect world lived at the highest reaches of the arts and society.

I no longer had the energy or the will for it.

Thanks to Crystal and Starbucks, I no longer needed it."
-Michael Gill

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2010-10-04T19:39:00.005+08:00

For all that I thought I was, today showed me how much I am not.

Yes they did say that if we are working there, we are the top 10% of the applicants and that means something. But honestly, it doesn't matter if we don't make it count.

Today's happenings brought upon me a stark realisation of reality, of me, of work, of stress, of expectations, and of responsibility. I was brought down to my knees if I am allowed to exaggerate, but it was seriously stressful. To be fair, it wasn't external, but mostly internal.

Surprisingly, my sources of motivation have always been mostly external, and argh okay i am too tired to think about any way i could possibly link them.

So what happened today was, i was just simply sitting on my desk and then suddenly, i was hit with this wave of extreme fatigue. There were so many things to remember, so many never-ending tasks, so many places to run to, so many things to check, and yet i felt so stupid, so cognitively-incapable.

I felt i wasn't worthy of the 'recognition' (if any) these people were having of me, and i just felt the expectations growing bigger and bigger each day. I know i shouldn't be so harsh on myself, but i cannot put away the fact that they have so much faith, hope and trust in me to do a good job, yet it's the 5th day already and i am not progressing quickly enough. I can't help but feel responsible for the work i produce because this has always been my nature, and yet, today. was. tough.

There was one point when i suddenly realized i was staring at my screen, not looking at anything in particular, and just zoning out. My mind wasn't at anything either and there were still more slides to complete and more things to double-check, and J was turning around to teach me more stuff, and my phone vibrated, and i suddenly remembered i need to remind someone of something then i remembered i need to call my dentist because my tooth hurts and i looked at the time and it's 4pm already.

I turned to look at F and he was in his usual focused mode and i knew i got to match up and then J finished talking and i checked my phone to realize a really not important sms and i got irritated and then i got tired with feeling tired and then it all hit me.

That was exactly how she felt.

This job(or rather passion/career as DP & LK refused to let us see it as just a job) means so darn much to me. Without it, I am literally nothing. I will always feel the need to perform, to match up to my supervisor's expectations and to show them that having me in the team means i'm a plus and not a minus. I'll always step into the office knowing that i can sit at my desk because certain people place that much of faith and hope that i would be the most excellent person for this role. I'll always look at LK and see her as my benefactor and will always feel indebted.

Yet, today ... i thought .. ok nvm.

But if let's say a friend, or someone, constantly cannot understand how much this career means to me now, its very likely we won't hang out much. If this someone constantly questions my commitment to my career, in addition to the stress i felt today, and probably every single day, i will hate him. If this someone cannot even show me the care and concern about the amount of pressure i am getting and self-inflicted from just facing 40 emails everyday, how can i even put in my best at work? How can i even be friends with this person?

I stepped out for a breather. And my eyes hurt. And my heart pained suddenly because I finally realized all the nonsense i had been giving her. I needed to rest, but i knew i can't ... and then i remembered i always told her "There's always a choice." Ya there probably is, but to many other things, there ain't no choice.

I walked around, checking what i needed to, and it struck me that i got to be much stronger than this. Today's emotions and fatigue were uncalled for. Where was my smile that i had since i started? And my vibrancy and enthusiasm? Where was that optimistic me who showed them I always face new challenges head-on? But yet the fact is there are still so many things i don't know of. There was the fact that at the back of my mind, i should have came up with a much better system to learn things from J. I have only myself to blame when I don't remember things or when i have to turn to J to re-check with him. And i felt utterly lousy.

And when i walked back to my desk, i suddenly felt i couldn't talk to or entertain anyone on msn. I felt the need to just hide.

Perhaps because it's the 4th. Or maybe because I have to wake up at 6am for many more days and I am beginning to doubt myself.

Dude, seriously you ain't that great. Wake up your idea.

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A few paragraphs from "How Starbucks Saved My Life" by Michael Gill

I was suddenly very worried. After finding out about the health benefits that Starbucks offered, I really wanted this job. Was Crystal going to be another young woman like Linda White who would end up cutting off my balls? I didn't care, so long as she hired me.

"Have you ever worked in retail?"
Her question startled me.
I tried desperately to think ... Quick, what is retail?
"Like a Wal-Mart?" she helped. I sensed, for the first time in the interview, that Crystal might have decided to be on my side. This whole thing had started as a joke or a dare with her, but maybe, just maybe, she had come to see me as a person who really needed some help.

It suddenly struck me how much a life of entitlement had protected me from the reality everyone else knew so well. Maybe Crystal could help me get a grip, yet I could not even grab the saving rope she had tossed me in this job interview: I had never even been inside a Wal-Mart.
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2010-10-04T00:15:00.002+08:00

When a couple quarrels, the guy on many occasions will take a 'time out' to sort out his own thoughts and emotions. And it's not only a few, but most guys are like that.

However what I've learnt is that, yes we deal with problems and issues in our own personal manner, but we cannot return after a few days 'pretending that nothing has happened'. Even though we have sorted whatever issues there were on our own, and we did our own closures, we still and we must provide the closures for our female half and to deal with this issue TOGETHER. We cannot assume that our girlfriend has done any closure on her part because basically, guys and girls work differently with regards to such matters.

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Dinner with the guys tonight was wonderful. It's been awhile since we all met up and talked so much. Ok awesome almost 1230am. Less than 6 hours of sleep. Someone wake me up tmr morn pls.

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"My rejection probably meant nothing to him - New York is an unfriendly city to someone trying to use a restroom. But I learned a valuable lesson that day. My old arrogance had come back as soon as I thought I had done a great job. How sad!

The next day, Crystal didn't even mention the incident. I was to learn that Crystal didn't harbor grudges. She let you know when she didn't like something you did, the moment you did it. And she never brought it up again."
-Michael Gill

2010-10-03T14:07:00.006+08:00

Have been feeling emotional for a bit. Perhaps with the death of Mrs LKY, the great stories that I've been reading of her, and the learning of who she REALLY was, we all realized we have lost someone great.

To be able feel like that means I can empathize, and understand. I think we mourn, but we must recognize as well, that she had led a great life, one full of purpose and character. Moreover, we must all respect that she had lived a life that was rare for an asian woman of her generation. A strong leader, a supportive wife and a loving mother.

I marvel at her ability to assimilate herself into the role of practically everything. From the calm presence to the strongly competitive nature of hers, I wonder how such a person could be like. Perhaps it is with strong regret that I didn't know her better before, and didn't have the chance to find out more about her then.

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"I also kicked myself for not listening to my daughter Laura over many years. Laura had a beautiful halo of brown hair that echoed the sparkle of her hazel eyes, and I had a picture of her now shaking her head in angry frustration as I refused to "get it." She had devoted much time to trying to introduce me to a more realistic view of the world, and because I had been so insensitive, I had failed to listen to her. Laura had a dynamic, positive energy; she laughed easily but she also had a feeling for how unfair life could be and as she grew up, she had adopted African-American causes like affirmative action. She would sit across the table from me during dinner and toss her beautiful curls in frustration as we argued. I had dismissed Laura's feelings and ideas of how to help others less fortunate as "hopelessly naive." I had been secure in my bubble of self-congratulation: convinced that my top job in advertising and my resulting affluence were my just reward for being a great, talented guy ... not simply status and success virtually given to me by birth and fortunate colour in a world ruled by "middle-aged white men of your generation," as Laura had once phrased it."
-Michael Gill, Author of How Starbucks Saved My Life

It definitely took me a long time ... 可是我现在真的开始领悟了。 I realized I've been thinking a bit about how the future would be like, with regards to whoever that comes in. And all the thoughts about how I would be like with the person and 're-live' in an entirely new manner. But I still want the person to be you.

2010-10-02T11:45:00.002+08:00

Amidst all the busy-ness and flurry of work that I had to deal with in my first week, I had made the effort to consciously 'feel' this transition. Most of the times, I feel like "YES! This is finally beginning!" and I do feel extremely positive and excited about all that are going to happen. The 'old' me would have felt like this all the time I think, and would have been like an energizer bunny scampering all over the place trying to please everyone.

At the same time, I begin to see the 'realistic' nature of the corporate world. Whispers and lowered-tones of sensitive topics indicate the true underlying meanings of certain things, and behind the smiles, hide many other things. It's hard to fully comprehend for now, but I am learning. =)

But don't misunderstand, for I totally love what I am doing. Chris passed me his key to the room because I got to reach much earlier next week due to exams, hence I can now stay till as late as I want to finish up instead of having to be cut off halfway.

Another interesting thing is, I am interacting a lot more with "family people". These people have their own families ... spouses and children to consider apart from their work and it's an immense inspiration to hear them talk about their family members. It's like everyone is working hard at their job so that they can fulfill their dream, but ultimately those with their families, it is for those back at home. =)

In the last 2 weeks or so, I've been asking myself what kind of a lady would I marry?

Then I met her. Or rather 'them' ... at my work this week. =x

Haha .. to be honest, I am thoroughly amazed by how much my values have changed.

Anyway, she is effectively bilingual, smart, enjoys a laugh, very capable and confident, serious in her work, beautiful, and loves her children to bits.

Yes she is already married =p

I mean there are definitely much more qualities in her, but it's hard to put them in words, especially when right now I can only conjure up boring and way-too-common words.

It's the weekend. And although I like the part whereby time has 'slowed' down and I am allowed to do what I want to do, I still like my coffee somewhere, just to chill. So weird I am so into coffee now.

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"I clocked in and noticed that at 2pm, I had come within minutes of being late. I literally shuddered with the thought. Why had I wasted precious time in Grand Central contemplating the past and almost fucked up my future? I was furious with myself, and I promised that I would give myself more time next time.

Less past, more future! I kept telling myself, a kind of mantra I wanted to believe.

Anxious to prove myself, I still hesitated in going out front with the other Partners. Over two months and I had yet to handle a cash register. The thought terrified me. So I just stood there in the neutral zone of Crystal's tiny office space, hoping to be assigned more cleaning today. One more day away from those dreaded cash registers. Yet Crystal seemed barely to notice me. She was so involved with her computer.

Ever glamorous, her lustrous hair fell to her shoulders perfectly, and she wore expensive gold jewelry on each hand. I stood behind her hoping to catch her attention. Crystal had a rare ability to focus despite anyone else being in her tiny office space."
-Michael Gill

2010-09-30T18:07:00.002+08:00

從遇見你在一起笑過愛過爭吵過
當初的愛究竟都藏到哪去了...

When an organization is in a transition phase, just like a relationship in a similar phase, things get complicated and it's always tougher. I guess no one really likes changes and everyone just has to work a lot harder.

Thank goodness it didn't rain this morning until 11 plus am =) The outdoor stations and activities went on smoothly and it was just amazing looking at the students having so much fun.

As much as my psychology knowledge and textbooks can teach me with the theories and academic stuff of autism, honestly, they all don't match up. I thought I've seen plenty of different types of children at AK, but boy I am so wrong. Interacting with some of them proved to be highly challenging and at the same time, some others would never cease to stop conversations.

Today was my first time I have first-hand interaction with them and it opened my eyes to the world of autism. They are very focused upon their own thoughts and actions, and seldom have regards for what is going on around them. In a bad way, they do not care a hoot about things going on around them, yet they can be geniuses with art and design. They are clearly not stupid either, but they just perceive things differently.

Jason, who is my upperstudy, has been awesome. I have made a vow to myself that, I would not and cannot allow myself to feel lost when he leaves. These 3 months would be crucial. He is starting to hand me more and more stuff, but I really like this feeling and experience. Even though it was stressful at times, but I like to think I can thrive under these times. And if anyone is to think it's easy to run a school, trust me, it can be challenging.

Faz has been amazing too. Even though we came in on the same day, he has been doing much much more because of his job description and we are both supporting each other as much as we can. It's almost like we knew how each other would feel because we came in together.

And on top of that, LM and Linda are absolutely encouraging and supportive.

Oh and I wanted to stay behind and finish up some stuff but I don't have the keys to the room in my office =/ so I guess it's time to request for my own keys.

With that, I've promised to give everything I've got into this career. Watch me.

"So I was grateful to leave the confinement of my empty apartment and join in the animated spirit and human interaction of the holidays at my Starbucks store. Behind the register, and out in front doing my Coffee Tastings and pastry samplings, I was part of a convivial group, and the constant pain and guilt I felt in my heart at all the hurt I had caused - more intense during these "family holidays" - was partially subdued or - from time to time - forgotten entirely in the rush of activity working the frantic shifts in my store."
-Michael Gill

2010-09-29T22:44:00.002+08:00

"My father lived in a kind of terror of losing his mind. Through his mindful, constant effort of will and talent he had been able to keep his mother's tragic death from drowning him in depression.

But he had to fight against the deep down current every day.

My father had developed his powerful version of denial of his constant pain: first through his writing, which became more and more optimistic and entertaining as he deliberately found more enjoyable subjects than the terrible truth and searing hurt of those traumatic early memories. Then he also escaped through his embrace of a larger public role as an articulate celebrity known for his ability to amuse."

-Michael Gill

Everyone faces emotional negativities every now and then in their lives. Some came upon events of large magnitude of impact, and some people never got out of it. Some people got permanently scarred, and yet never learnt. Some people learnt and then moved on. Some people never give up and just paced back and forth.

Certain people with very strong mental strength can often create very powerful images and beliefs of things in themselves. If these are positive, they are extremely beneficial. At the same time, if it's a powerful version of denial, something which i am unfamiliar with, i believe it's a double-edged sword.

One's belief of denial can be so strong that it creates an entirely new set of beliefs. Yes it can be unrealistic and idealistic, but it can also save a life. If his Dad didn't stay in that state of denial, he would probably have committed suicide. Yes he was miserable, but he was at least coping, and living.

I will take these next few weeks and months to feel and learn as much as I possibly could, and as much as possible in a neutral state of mind. Only when I am able to achieve that then I would be able to see everything around me clearly, knowing exactly what my feelings and what my thoughts meant.

2010-09-29T14:03:00.006+08:00

It's amazing how many sub-folders I can create in my outlook account in one afternoon.

But having my own telephone line and telephone on my table makes me very happy, as though i am important HAHA =x

The staff room is majorly huge! And I love the people in my room =) Interesting fact: An older guy and an older lady sit in front of me and beside me respectively. Thing is maybe because i haven't worked in such a situation before, it's very interesting to observe when they 'interact' and the things they say =p

And work is really neverending. Because there is always room for improvements, revamps and cleaning up of old SOPs. I think i will need that coffee everyday =/

Excited about tmr Children's Day event collaboration with Dell ... things are really moving very quickly over here and we are diving right into it.

All i can say is, work has been really great and amazingly exciting. For all that had happened in the past 2 months, I am glad they have all helped me be prepared in one way or another, mentally and emotionally.

2010-09-28T23:07:00.003+08:00

"I could not deny the feeling of a growing happiness in my heart. This new, quiet, inner happiness kept catching me unawares in the midst of a rush of serving a big line at Starbucks. I also felt my happiness blossom in a kind of warmth in my heart in the nurturing silences and my lack of any real social life."
- Michael Gill

Came online to check my work email cos boss said to look out for updates to the event 2 days later. 12 emails received already in the first day! I'm really loving this great experience and for now, I like to think I feel, breathe and live this career. =)

Need to sleep now. Apologies for no song tonight =\

2010-09-27T22:16:00.004+08:00

"Many experienced baristas gradually asked for 'no openings' or 'no closings' or 'no weekends.' I felt that I might be able to do that eventually, but this first year I knew I would have to offer flexibility. And I still felt that way. Especially since I still didn't really know what I was doing. I felt that Starbucks was still more valuable to me that I was to Starbucks. So I gave me life completely - physically, mentally, and emotionally - and promised, verbally and in writing, that I would be available whenever they needed me." - Michael Gill (Author of How Starbucks Saved My Life)

On the way back home, I was sitting alone in the bus and had plenty of time to think. Looking out of the window and seeing the vast fields and plains, and the light blue sky, it hit me that I am just an extremely small component in the whole wide universe.

I was even smaller than a cow.

At there and then, time seemed to slow down and stop altogether. I was like floating through these things that had stopped and it became clear what are important in life and what aren't.

And movies always make me think. Rewatched He's just not into you and Letters to Juliet. Love the Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck story.

2010-09-26T23:11:00.002+08:00

Did plenty of shopping today. Visited the Floriade festival. Painted a buzz lightyear gnome but I don't know what possessed me to think that his face is purple in colour.

Took plenty of shots. Will upload the photos when I get back and it would probably paint a story.

For now, time to pack up and get some sleep.

Tomorrow would be a new phase of life all over again.

2010-09-26T01:02:00.002+08:00

Wicked the musical was awesome! Been awhile since I last watched a musical.

Managed to get gifts for a few dear friends.. even though I'm still very bad with presents, I think I like to show my appreciation to certain ppl in my life.

At B&G now. Amazing meeting all these new ppl, especially when they are all so friendly and welcoming. =) Got invited to play some poker with them .. and old habits do die hard >.<

Perhaps because in spore, I've always had the support I need there or things to do when I'm free, but over here I found much more time to think abt things. It feels like a chapter summary to all these weeks of thoughts.

Started reading How Starbucks saved my life. 1/3 through already and there have been numerous inspiring paragraphs. Will post them up soon when I'm done with the book.

3am. Sleep.

2010-09-24T21:26:00.003+08:00

Amazing song~

Didn't managed to sleep much last night on the plane. The movies that SIA was showing were ... shocking. There were lots of things to watch on the hundreds of channels, but out of all the new movies showing, there was only Predator that I haven't watched that is probably worth a look at(or not!). Ended up watching Monga ... Pretty intense stuff .. Brotherhood and Gangsters are just separated by a thin line.

Air turbulance was pretty bad for 2 hours so hardly had a wink. Zzz.

But today was great. Took the train to Central and checked into the backpackers lodge. Decent room. Walked down to University of Sydney to take a look around and it was wonderful seeing all those 'lawn-lazers' again. Went down to the Sydney fish market for lunch and to check out their amazing amount of seafood delicacies. Had lobster, grilled eel, sashimi, oysters, fish and buttered prawns. Though spent quite a bit too =x

Crossed over to Darling Harbour and the view was fantastic. The weather on its own is already amazing. It's like someone has fixed an aircon over the whole of Sydney and it is just perfect.

Took a boat to see the various sights and then finally alighted at the Opera House. Finally managed to see this famous building in person ... it's basically just like the Esplanade la haha.

Saw plenty of buskers and street performers while walking along the roads. Took the train back to Central to catch some sleep before going to a Thai restaurant for dinner. Fantastically huge portions so I think i am gonna gain some weight! =)

Checked out Chinatown and it's very much like one of those Taiwan's night market. Lots of food and wares and whatnots.

Ok it's has been an awesome day. Got to catch some more sleep to compensate for last night. Night mate!

2010-09-23T00:07:00.004+08:00

Off to Sydney later! Will be a 美好的旅行~ =)

Though I like this clip done up by someone else more ... cos got none of the boy talking and interrupting with the song =x but then got an irritating girl speaking in the middle of the clip =/

2010-09-22T16:56:00.006+08:00

I found some Tumblr pics and quotes that I really like ...

"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)

"All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water. And that’s the tragedy of living."
I Wrote This For You: The View On The Way Down (via kari-shma)

"We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

... contradicting as they all are, this is life for you ... =)

2010-09-22T00:59:00.002+08:00

林依晨's new album. Very positive songs for the downhearted =)

Met Shuhui with Fai for dinner at Greenwood. We both love the place! Decent food and there's some different special offer everyday. Today's offer was $1 oysters!

It's really been awhile since I met her, and looking at her, she's doing really great in her life. We haven't really changed very much, but I feel we have all grown. All of us had a really good talk about relationships and life, and to me, it was good hearing from her because of her life experiences.

Last month, they all said everything happened for a reason. I wasn't convinced then, but I am fully convinced now. Because whatever happened could possibly just be the best thing ever.

I have never felt like this in my life before, and I don't know of a better description than 'peace with myself'.

2010-09-21T14:25:00.005+08:00

其是想了想，他的意思也不算难理解。

要成才，就必须独立，必须付出心血，要奋斗，也要努力面对错折。勇敢的去争取所为是自己的。

Anyway, having watched 海派甜心, I am glad that both Show Luo and Rainie Yang are nominated for Best Actor and Best Actress respectively for the Golden Bell Awards =)

2010-09-20T21:59:00.003+08:00

Thanks to the KTV last night, I'm in an oldies' mood tonight. Reminisce a bit about growing up la.

張學友

劉德華

2010-09-20T02:00:00.004+08:00

The plan for Sydney is sounding very awesome. Thanks Qing! =)

I like the dialogues of this MV.

And few people actually know this is the 下集 of <如果这就是爱情> ...

Found something ... which we all more or less know ...

Stage 1 - The Romance Stage
This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because you're both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities - you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as "bad" in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can't imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you're in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that "head over heels in love" feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons.
Bottom line - you are happier than you've ever been, and can't imagine ever feeling any differently.

Stage 2 - The Disillusionment Stage
This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors! ). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you're willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who she/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you've just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 - The Power Struggle Stage
This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a "bad" thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can't be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you're unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to....the next stage (:

Stage 4 - The Stability Stage
This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn't perfect, but your personal differences aren't quite as threatening as they used to be. You're able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 - The Commitment Stage
This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore... yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you've made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.

About the author: Sarah M. Schultz, MA, CPC is a certified Personal Development Coach in Park City, UT.
----------------------------

Well ... I think what would be awesome is just to be yourself right from the very start. In this way, the disillusionment stage's impact is very much reduced, and hence, creating a more positive power struggle stage. Thing about the first stage is that it's too overwhelming. Everything else other than happiness and bliss is overlooked. It would definitely help to trash everything out from the start and just be who you are. If the two of you ain't compatible, please convince yourself so. But then again, they won't call it the fantasy phase for nothing if you would be aware of such things.

2010-09-19T15:38:00.002+08:00

最终, 我们只不过 ... 如此 ...

Circumstances and situations often cause regret. If this regret isn't dealt with properly, anger and then hatred will seep through. Few people would possibly be able to hate themselves for long, and in a bid for happiness and survival, the hatred will usually be directed to another source.

3 nights back, and last night, I was out with several friends. And these talks we had, and are going to keep on having, not only put in place realistic perspectives, but also heal our souls.

Most of the times, I've grown to be very aware of my feelings and emotions. For much of it, I understood why I was feeling like that; for some, I don't quite fathom the reason. For most of the time, I like what I am feeling; yet there were times whereby I knew it's only human to feel that way. I realize I was constantly giving myself answers, and then when I hit a wall, one with no answers whatsoever, I convinced myself it's just the world.

Shrugs. It's the most simplistic way of thinking ... the only one that I know of =)

Looking back, everything happened too quickly. No? But these things ALWAYS happen too quickly.

别认为自己是邪恶的. 因为你不是.

去做你应该做的. 要恨，那就恨我.

2010-09-18T01:45:00.004+08:00

To the many people who have left comments, even though i don't publish them, but i am still notified of them yeah =) thanks!

Today's picnic was well-planned and it was supposed to be awesome. Thing is i am absolutely disappointed by how irresponsible one can be. It's not easy to prepare all the food needed for the 8 people who were supposed to attend, let alone plan it. Extreme disdain.

Well, you can say that you are absolutely responsible to your work, and hence could not leave to attend a social/recreation event last minute. Yes work is important, and i perfectly understand how work can be like. But if there is any indication that you might not be able to attend, or simply do not wish to, state it outright a few days back. People have often taken these things for granted and let me tell you this, you did not only waste Trina's effort and time, you wasted mine too. We can very well prepare less food, do not have to worry about you not being able to find the place or subject our egos to test to wonder who will or who won't turn up to something that we organise.

Clearly it was a litmus test. And if things are like that, we will all stop planning things eventually.

Pardon my frankness.

2010-09-17T03:05:00.001+08:00

To my feminist friends out there, or to female friends who tend to read too deeply into meanings, don't read this entry! I don't mean it as serious as i sound.

Finally home! Been a long and great day!

Went to recce Botanical Gardens for tmr's picnic, and it's the first time i am there =/ Yeah i know a bit no childhood but it's a bit off from where i stay. The parks i used to go to when i was young was Yishun Park =x

After that, went down to the MBA Tour with Trina. Heard and learnt many things, and in a way, it provided a direction for me to go towards and a great way to prepare my mentality in starting off my career.

One of the speakers commented on GMAT scores. If he had wanted to rise the GMAT average of the university, he would simply just need to bring in more mainland chinese and India indians. Hilarious.

My pursuit of MBA. In 4 years time. Pretty reasonable =)

Today's talks with friends centered on many topics, but i like to bring up two in particular. Haha as a social science student, this is what i am interested in so pardon me. Please note that it means no offense to anyone and it's just purely for discussion purposes. And to make this really clear, it may or may not have happened to me, but it has definitely happened to the people around me.

Firstly, there is this emergence of the new generation women. Not to say there wasn't any before, because there certainly were, but it is now a much sizeable population, that it's becoming a trend. This group of NGW, because of the change in era, is well educated, places career very high up on their priority list and will do anything just to climb the corporate ladder. Don't tell me there ain't any, because I have personally see dozens.

In another term put forward, they are like vines climbing on trees, and when the trees do not grow as fast as these vines, they climb onto another taller tree. The definition of trees is to your own interpretation. This is very evident in the society now. Look around you. Accept it because this is the fact. NGW no longer wants to put their lives at risks with some poor idiot fellow even if he is at the same phase as them because why settle when there is a better option out there, or some greener pastures for you to expand across.

So i've been telling, or rather the guys have agreed, with money and status, we can do whatever we want. Indeed. Life is a rat race. And only the fittest survives. We need to be realistic because that's how women will treat us. When we are 30 or 35, then we will play. And our value will just go up from here. Watch us rise, watch us play.

There is no right or wrong, just the evolution of the society. We don't get graduates everywhere in the past. Now you can't live comfortably without a degree. Males have evolved into being homemakers. Females have evolved too into driven career-minded species. And we must all accept that. Because with acceptance comes happiness.

Next point, I think that yes when we were all younger, we tend to date in a supersonic manner. It's fine when you are young, and when you are passionate. But i think we all ought to really slow down. Take things real slow. When you rush, when you speed up the process, things don't last 40-50 years.

What i am saying is, slow down and enjoy the process. Slow down that first holding of hands, slow down that first kiss, slow down all the emotions. Savour them when they come and feel them fully ... cos only so then you learn to appreciate .. cos only so then it makes for a healthy relationship.

Please don't go bam bam bam bam then you lose that spark, you lose the passion, and everything becomes boring. Everything becomes repetitive. Then you start to wonder whether the two of you are just together because of habit and comfort. BUT SERIOUSLY WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH THIS STUPID THOUGHT? Why can't habit and comfort be based on love? That idiot that comes up with this thought that 2 persons being together for a long time and still being together should always ask themselves if it's cos of habit is just being extra and creating problems for themselves.

Thing about humans is this, if it's a 'negative' question, they will all tend to overthink it and then convince themselves there are elements of truth in it. Please shoot that person. Grrrr.

My point is this, take things slow. Enjoy the process, and treasure it. Because when the pace of life becomes hectic(practically for everyone), we WILL overlook all these things and start taking things for granted when it's just there.

Okay just food for thought. Good night!

2010-09-16T00:34:00.005+08:00

I love 钱柏渝's face. Absolutely beautiful, no?

2010-09-15T15:05:00.004+08:00

A friend once said this ...
"It sucks the most when two people are so in love. But they refuse to let their love work for them."

Yeah ... it's very true. It sucks ... 你到底知道什么是爱吗?

Arggghhh. I can't believe I just rejected a job that's paying me 3.3k.

Haiz ... But I very seldom regret. =)

Anyway I just went for the pre-employment medical examination. I lost a lot of weight. =/ I didn't think I would. But having 2 meals a day won't do me any good. Can't wait for work to start so that I can have 3 meals or even 4 everyday.

And that blood test uncle drew like one whole tube of blood. =/ Been awhile since I lost so much blood.

I got my car washed today. =) But I've learnt that a white car is not what i will choose ever again. =/ The paintwork even though how often you clean it, will reveal stains that can only be removed through polishing. Ah oh well ...

These 2 weeks are gonna be exciting!

2010-09-15T01:38:00.003+08:00

An oldie for tonight! For all those people who think they fell in love too early!

Because of all the happenings around, we are all aware of how unpredictable and cruel the world is. Yet, we all still know we must live happily and be the best in what we do.

Things do affect us in one way or another, and what we as humans naturally do, are to react to it, and then it's almost like clockwork, we must continue on with what we were doing before that.

No one likes to be sad, so choose to be happy. There are so many joys in the world, and it only depends on where you are looking at. Even though life can be mundane, work can be sucky, and you are lacking some fun and happiness, choose to pay attention to the small things in life.

Be thankful you are able to wake up this morning. Be glad that you had breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday. Be grateful that you are able to meet your friends soon. Be happy that you are fighting for your dream now. Or even appreciate the fact that your parents are still alive. How many of us simply take all these for granted?

Well, i am definitely guilty of those to be honest, and I am terribly ashamed. It's true that when you are up there, you see nothing around/close-by/under you. You forgot about appreciation, love, and the simple act of kindness. Yet when you are down there with all the rest, fighting so hard to survive, then would you be able to appreciate all these. Even when you are going up, always remember the days when you were down there, with the people around you, and live each day like that day.

2010-09-14T11:47:00.004+08:00

Honestly, I am very disappointed that such a small task could not be fulfilled.

And it isn't for me at all.

But it's okay. I understand. The world is cruel.

So. Anyways, there have been too many breakups lately and seriously, it's all with long-term ones. I've been 'warning' all attached friends of mine of this and asking them to jiayou! If you are in one right now, get past this year k =)

AND GREAT NEWS!!!! i've got both offers. Both look terrific. But i know what i want already. =) No more dilemma!! Wheeee~

Very excited about the future. I've moved on and frankly, i wouldn't expect this a month ago. Believe it or not it's up to you.

To the friends out there who have been with me, cheering me up, talking to me, enlightening me, accompanying me just to waste time, meeting up with me, singing ktv with me, making plans with me till 3am at night, who gave me an avenue to turn to when i've got things to say or clarify, who were there just to make sure i am alright ... my most sincerest thank you. It has been a tough month (and also a fun one) for most of you. From the bottom of my heart, i appreciate all the little things that all of you have done, and I will always remember them.

I've taken awhile to write this and have postponed it a few times because i feel that i'm not ready, but i can safely say that it's all good now =)

2010-09-13T23:50:00.002+08:00

To a certain Miss Zhang:

It would not be fair to say we are extremely close friends, yet we do enjoy each other's company pretty much. I wouldn't say i know everything about you either, neither do i know about what really happened. But i think i want to say some things to you, and that in any form or manner, this may just help in anyways.

I saw the entry by your friend written to you, and yes it's pretty true. At the same time, guys ain't really that bad either. Only some. I will use my 'guy's' way to write this piece.

I don't know what stage or phase you are in now, but from what i heard, it shocked me. It pains me too because you deserve so much better. Your life isn't meant to dwell so long in this state because of some stupid guy who isn't matured and steady enough to appreciate you.

I mean i make mistakes too. We all do, and once in awhile we all screw up. We have our bad and lousy periods of our lives, and then we cry and mop over it all, and whine out to the world how effed up our lives are. And then it must stop there and then.

You have always been strong, and have been putting up a brave front. Yet if you think it's preventing you from moving on, do something else. We are all here for you. I am here for you too. There's always hope in life. A relationship isn't about ever-lasting goodness. I am sure there were the many moments both of you were really happy, treat those as dear memories because you yourself know that you own them. And that's it. Those were part of your very life and will stay as memories. Yes it IS sad but life isn't all happy. Life isn't only about one person, isn't about all the promises both of you made, neither is it about all the perfect pictures you had envision both of you. It's not about an ownership of a certain person. Because anything can happen anytime.

Life is about being happy, living your life to the fullest and enjoying every moment as it comes. Some things are just not meant to be, and no matter how stubborn we can be, we just must accept it all.

If he is going to come back, will you take him back? Aren't you afraid he will hurt you all over again? Why subject yourself to this risk when there are clearly people out there who will care for you and love you for the way you are? Why keep the hope when what you ought to do is to keep your eyes open for new possibilities?

The possibilities are endless, and each one comes even more exciting than the previous one. Let yourself go and enjoy romance once again. Do not ever tell yourself no one can replace him because you would be surprise when things happen.

2010-09-13T18:16:00.004+08:00

Didn't manage to watch this movie, but I think the song is very nice. I also especially like the description written on the youtube page.

And to think I have got this matter sorted out.

You know the part whereby I mentioned I like it when people do things or events happened that I never would expect ...

Pathlight just did that.

Major dilemma.

2010-09-13T12:32:00.004+08:00

Some things just cannot be rushed. There's always a natural progression for things. =)

Gender studies(by me =x) have always shown that males do not 'lugi' as much as females, and this is extremely true. But it's bad karma to think and write about these things.

Anyway, I think I would like to talk about that night at the river. Honestly, I didn't think she would turn up. And the guys were kind of 'against' the idea of me meeting her because it wouldn't do me any good.

Well .. even though the talk wasn't long or wasn't very detailed, I had the closures I needed. But to be frank, it wasn't so much from the questions I asked. Because those questions came up during week 1, 2 and 3 .. and by that night, I had more or less resolved them myself, but still, it was good to just hear it from her mouth.

I guess the toughest part for me was dealing with the change in status between the both of us. Cmon afterall it's the first time we met in a month, and it's only human to feel that. =)

Awhile back, I got the message passed from her that she thinks we would be great friends too. I will always believe in that, however like I said earlier, if it happens, it happens.

Like I told her, I really appreciate her for deciding to come down, be it for whatever reason, because to me that would mean she has taken a step towards being alright again and I can safely put down my worries for her, and also for putting in much effort so that it wasn't awkward or difficult. And that perfect ending. Thank you. =)

More than less, I understood the things she said. Even though I think it wouldn't matter much to her, but I do hope she understood what I said.

It was stupid to go to the same club after that. Maybe I was just stubborn or maybe we both were, but yeah it was one of those "ah crap >.<" moments.

The fortune teller said several things about love regarding me. I think they all made sense.

2010-09-12T14:13:00.003+08:00

徐熙娣 aka Xiao S is a ... very interesting lady. Very attractive, extremely frank and straightforward .. at least of her character on Kang Xi.

I've been watching a lot of Kang Xi lately and Xiao S is largely the reason, of course apart from the celebrity guests. Still darn hot even though she had kids, but what really appeals is her personality.

Even though there was news lambasting her lack of restraint or control on air, in addition to the fact that she doesn't really need to do all those things because of her awesome life and husband, i think what's really important is doing something you love. And i feel she absolutely love being on Kang Xi. =)

For those of you who need that laugh ... just one of the many episodes ...

http://tw.sugoitw.com/kangxi-2010-08-31/

2010-09-12T13:37:00.003+08:00

Absolutely loving this song! Been on repeat.

One more step .. to ... our each individual want and outcome.

Yesterday was an eyeopener. Went to a fortune teller's house at Telok Blangah with the guys. It's not those shady stall fortune teller type .. all the consultation actually took place in his house. Well for one, i am not the extremely superstitious type, nor do i have a specific religion. I am agnostic btw.

So. I consulted him mainly on my life and the amount of information we all got was really information overload. Well, some people may think that all this stuff is groundless. I think there's no harm listening and remembering certain things, so as to keep them in reference.

Sometimes in life, when you are needing a little bit of a nudge or push towards a certain direction which you ain't know, i guess this is an alternative. =) And like what Ken said, all the future-pacing the uncle did certainly would allow any person who felt hopeless to see something.

One thing that was interesting was his 'school of thought' of the previous life. I think it makes a lot of sense? Whoever you were and whatever you had done in your previous life would be reflected upon this life .. he did mention that because of my personality and nature, it is of great importance for me to learn from mistakes and opportunities in life .. and well .. i would probably like to write more of them here but i think i like to keep these things close to my heart.

Although the 'parking lots' thing still crack me up. "Young or old, 1 for each day of the week, all can take!" Lol!

For now, i think the key things are to keep my health in check for the long term and work real damn hard. Well, it did cross my mind that health would be a big problem for me, and it's really a scary thought. Oh and no more beef and turtle soup. =/

And remember to give back. Return back to the society. If i am to associate it to the uncle's school of thought, plan for a better next life =p

2010-09-11T02:34:00.002+08:00

2 English songs for tonight! Like them a lot! Check them out!

Love the use of the black and white theme in contrast with the colours theme at appropriate times ...

This one is for those young, romantic, courageous and hopeful people out here!

Goodnight! Tomorrow will be absolutely awesome. Absolutely. =)

2010-09-10T20:41:00.004+08:00

Having dinner with my friends now, and having met her last night, I can only say my life is very very blessed.

I mean all along, my friends have always emphasize how blessed I'm and I do know it. But when I thought I'm in the dumps and pits of my life, actually when I look at the big picture, it's not so.

She wanted me to learn and realize things that she felt lacking in me, because she cares. And all along in my life, these wonderful ppl have kept on appearing to make me feel so loved. I'm gonna get a great job soon and opportunities lie aplenty for me out there in the world.

And my friends. I dunno what I did to deserve them. You can call it 上辈子修来的福，but I'm glad I'm made to see the need for me to put in more effort in these friendships, not to say i was a lousy friend but there are definitely more room for improvement.

2010-09-09T18:57:00.000+08:00

2010-09-09T13:36:00.002+08:00

To those of you who do not know what I studied in school, the below passage as adapted from today's Straits Times Mind your Body section would be a fair reflection.

By Gary Hayden
At the core of the book is the idea of cognitive dissonance. This is a label psychologists use for the uncomfortable feeling we get whenever we try to hold two conflicting ideas in our minds simultaneously.

Cognitive dissonance is so unpleasant that we will go to great lengths to reduce it. One of the main ways is through self-justification.

The two authors describe cognitive dissonance as "the engine that drives self-justification". Their book references dozens of psychological studies and real-life examples that demonstrate the mechanisms by which we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions and hurtful acts. One section which i found particularly illuminating concerns the so-called "pyramid of choice".

Consider the following scenario. Two very similar young men are sitting an important exam. Each draws a blank on a crucial question but each has the opportunity to cheat by copying from someone else. Both agonise for a minute or two over whether to do the right thing and risk a poor grade or compromise their integrity to secure a good one. It is a close call. One eventually opts to cheat and the other opts not to.

At the time, there was little to separate the young men's attitude towards cheating. The decision could easily have gone the other way for both of them. But if we return to those young men a week later, we will find that their attitudes have hardened. Each will have had ample time to reflect on - and justify - his action.

The young man who succumbed to temptation will have decided that cheating is not, in truth, such a bad thing. After all, almost everyone does it at some time or other. And anyway, he studied hard for that exam and deserved to pass. Only a schmuck would jeopardise his entire future because of a bit of bad luck over one exam question.

The young man who resisted temptation, on the other hand, will have decide that he was absolutely right not to cheat. After all, cheating is downright immoral. No self-respecting person would even consider doing it.

"It is as if they had started off at the top of a pyramid, a millimetre apart," wrote Tavris and Aronson, "but by the time they have finished justifying their individual actions, they have slid to the bottom, and now stand at opposite corners of the base"

--------------------------------------------

So yup ... this concept of pyramid of choice is extremely interesting while reading it just now. Self-justification happens all the time, with every action you make, you constantly justify it to assure yourself that you did the right thing.

Most of the time, few people will think that their actions are wrong while they are performing it. In their minds, their self-justification mechanism will be working full speed to conjure up various reasons for their behaviour.

Yet, upon talking to many people, these reasons and justification we give ourselves could be changed, even to the extent of the extreme opposite, when we realize perhaps we might not have been so right after all.

2010-09-09T00:10:00.004+08:00

Every once in awhile in life, I would do something out of the blue ... or just hope someone does something that I would not ever think possible, just to give myself that shock or surprise moments that I hold dear to my life.

3 songs tonight! Step Up 3 i heart very much =)

It's hard to fathom Moose pulling off those moves that required so much upper body strength when he appears so scrawny ... but wow he was imba. The normal cap look with the curly hair made him look geeky, but that water scene when his hair was all wet ... that was totally cool.

And I got the biggest laugh from the classroom scene. "What's your name?" "Silence ... Silence. In. Class." Absolutely hilarious.

And that girl. That girl with the almost perfect face. Apparently I googled her and she has a high forehead so that fringe-look really helped a lot. But other than that, her facial features are crazily beautiful. ... just like yours.

So. I decided not to go with my parents to Tokyo this weekend. I think it's really because I am not sure how much I would enjoy myself. And furthermore, I've made a few plans here and there over the weekend.

Played a game of Dota this afternoon. Realized that the pleasure, happiness and satisfaction that I used to get out of the triumphs of these activities are no longer there. In fact, when I lose, the disappointment and whatnots are twice as hard to bear. So I end up not playing altogether. Organized a poker session at home this weekend because I need the activity, and the company, but honestly, winning at these things somehow has lost their appeal.

A friend of mine was talking to me about the topic of making out. I think casual making out isn't that easy. I feel that much chemistry is needed between both parties if not it will be like ... urgh.

Haha random ramblings but yeah.

I think what I wanted to say was ... a relationship is not like an ownership. You don't own the other person. Even if you are married, he/she can have a divorce with you anytime. We both cannot place our expectations and wants on each other, and in a way become way too stringent on each other. A relationship is meant to be supportive, and encouraging in the things that both parties pursue. Encouragement and the little bits of affirmation are always important ... as well as the compliments and the concern.

Today's the marriage anniversary of my parents ... I hereby wish them longevity and ever-lasting happiness in their marriage!

2010-09-08T00:20:00.001+08:00

周杰倫在这里看起来很台 =x

2010-09-07T23:13:00.003+08:00

I hate the signs i am getting.

那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍?

I really don't want to second-guess anymore.

2010-09-07T22:04:00.004+08:00

I love this song!

I went for 2 interviews today. Plenty of thoughts, plenty of reflections. Talked to many people about what I need to know and they all helped.

Then went to school. Hey you ... i wanna appreciate you for who being the fabulous friend. Somehow you always help me sort out my thoughts in the quickest way .. the manner I love the most.

Dinner was with a friend that I haven't properly talked to for a long time. I was surprised she even turned up ... but that 3 hours just showed me how much both of us have grown and changed over the 7 years. It was absolutely amazing just sitting there and us updating each other on how our lives have been.

Well ... I learnt quite a few things from her during dinner.

Firstly, there should not be any uncomfort for anyone in a relationship. Indeed and it makes a lot of sense. Should you feel uncomfortable in your relationship, then i suggest you get the hell out of it.

Where anything else is concerned, you just got to live in the present and fate will decide the future. With regards to closure, trust me, no one else can give it to you other than yourself. You think that person's gonna help you with it, but trust me, you won't know how to feel when the real hard truth are being said. Eventually you will just have to convince yourself of all the truths.

And 2 people being together have to be compatible. And it's important to have things to learn from each other, help each other grow, and ultimately reach the mentally-painted picture that both share. It can't be only one side that paints and sees the picture.

Knowing the communication methods of both sides is essential. No point thinking you are communicating your point across and assuming the other side gets it when he doesn't at all. Although the other side must also put in the utmost effort into understanding.

Okay been a long day! Good night folks!

2010-09-06T12:30:00.003+08:00

Last night Kbox was fun! Though this song was the best ... the intensity and the emotions of everyone! Whewwww~

Recently my mum has been talking to me regarding many things. I think she's starting to realize that it is of great importance to correct my bad habits and weaknesses that I might have inherited from my dad. =x And also some tweaks towards some of the characteristics I might have gotten from her.

Yesterday went to Many's house for MJ. Sian lose money. Then went down to paragon for gym. Ran and did weights until everywhere aches now. =/

Dinner at HV crystal jade, which everyone convinced me that in fact i am really not funny by nature. =( But i am truly glad to have such funny friends.

Without doubt, things are going to go up and up from now =)

2010-09-04T20:17:00.002+08:00

I like how i am feeling these 2 days.

I think today is a good date to write this one-of-its-last-kind entry.

Sometimes, we all just need to do something drastic, to have the final breakthrough needed. Yesterday was a day to remember. After my interview, my friend suddenly smsed me to inform me that she can watch Going the Distance, so i rushed down to Vivo and caught the movie with her. Then as she had to go teach tuition, and i've got dinner with sw at 6pm, I went to look for fai for lunch.

Rather interesting lunch which led us to agree to get the guys to go see a fortune teller. We certainly aren't superstitious, but i think it will be an amazing experience.

After that, went down to fetch sw for dinner. Talked for 5 hours! Haha and then bumped into sarah at starbucks. She then dropped me a message saying if i ain't going home later, i could go find her. But after she didn't pick up her phone and i realized i was damn near qianfu's house, so i went to look for him. Actually it was cos i had to use the toilet =x Chatted with him for awhile before I went to look for Sarah. Managed to grab a bit more food before i got home.

Thing is ... with numerous conversations centering repeatedly on the same topic, everything just becomes very clear at the end of it all. I know i've said this before, but this time i can really feel the conviction.

All i want is for you to be happy as soon as possible. I am moving on as much as i can and i hope you would be happy to know this.

For the past 3 weeks, i've thought and rethink through the things that have happened, tried to guess as much as possible what everything meant, the whys and whats and i would like to believe i have the whole big picture.

We won't be happy together as a couple. The small little accumulation of the various quarrels we had have generated a substantial amount of unhappiness that both of us certainly felt. Our differences in values and principles with regards to various aspects of life played a major role in this.

Like i said before, understanding and acceptance are 2 separate things. I would like to think i can see both of them clearly now.

It is absolutely normal to feel sad, guilty and that it's a pity. Not that lousy emo kind of feelings that teenagers feel, but i think i am beginning to understand all of this.

But ultimately, we both have to accept this and move on happily in our lives. To pursue our goals and be who we are. I am thankful for whatever that has happened, and the crazy amount of stuff i have learnt this past 3 weeks. I would never have realized to respect others' values and principles in life, or the greatness of all my friends, or that many of them are having problems as well, or that not everything in life goes according to what i want, or that it is important to be optimistic but it is important to be realistic too ... just to name a few.

I hope you are doing well ... because i will be doing well. Hmmm .. i think me being the optimistic me, do believe that even though we had a really bad breakup, and both of us are probably needing some more time to recover from all this hurt and loneliness, i sincerely believe we really understand each other and that every bit of the past 6 years meant something to the both of us. But they will just be awesome great memories when we reflect and think of how crazy we were back then, not knowing what we were even in for when we first started out.

Be proud of what we had before ... because life goes on. I learnt in school that grievances and getting over traumatic and emotionally-tough events take some time. I don't know what else i can do on my part so i am just hoping if you know i am coping well, am holding nothing against you, and wishing simply that you would be happy, then it would help you to be normal again ... you know me, i will just give you that smile.

Writing this now, hmmm i think we would be, or rather can be great friends. Not sure if you can see that, though i sincerely hope you can. Haha honestly i think we would be really awesome friends. Or maybe too idealistic again =/

There are characteristics of me that are innate, which fundamentally form me for who i am. Add in the upbringing, family cultures, biological genetics transfer from my parents, i become who i am ... with plenty of flaws.

I am just glad i am much more aware of them now. Always got to improve i guess! =)

2010-09-03T00:28:00.002+08:00

Interview with Pathlight tmr. I think it will be exciting. =)

I went to read a few of my entries 6 years back.

January 11, 2004. I thanked several of my council friends because of what happened then. I think our relationships haven't really changed much since those days. And I believe that the thank yous if I am to write now would be based roughly on the same lines as those days.

February 4, 2004. "I am too pampered. Not in the sense of too spoilt, but always getting what i want. Not in the sense of maturity but always getting my wishes fulfilled. What if i don't get what i want? " Once again, this issue was brought up even after 6 years. Something must be done this time.

August 11, 2004. I got recommended for OCS crossover but I didn't get selected in the end. My PC then told me I was too emotional, too naive and that 'I don't live in a real world'. I mean if even my PC who only interacted with me for several weeks can say that, it's clearly something I ought to reflect seriously on.

Thoughtful times. Do give me a tight slap if there ever is a relapse k.

2010-09-02T15:43:00.003+08:00

今天一直在看他们俩一起上节目的片段。有一种非常甜蜜与暧昧的感觉。即使被问了很多遍，两人一直都说只是好朋友。对我来说，他们的默契，对彼此的关心和那非常可爱的关系，不是说要有就能有的。

我想私人恋情真的是不重要，两人能互相一起努力，一起成功，对他们而言是最重要的。甚至说如果双方五年后想要认真地谈恋爱，这将是会个非常甜美的故事。

2010-09-02T02:04:00.000+08:00

This old old episode is a must see! Epic funny!

2010-09-02T00:05:00.005+08:00

是我选择看不到分手預兆 ...

It's inevitable that we all compare.

And that the grass is always greener on the other side.

But the thing is, there were already problems to begin with, so it got us all thinking.

Could we solve the problems? I guess we probably could.

2010-09-01T12:20:00.002+08:00

For the past year, we forgot to talk. We forgot to communicate effectively. I forgot to find out her dreams. I forgot to find out how she was feeling. I forgot to know her family, I forgot to know her friends. I was just asking superficial questions. I forgot to do my part.

It was mainly due to me slacking off, and that we were quarreling more on other things, which could have been resolved had I been more matured then.

But the main point is, we didn't talk. I was focusing on the wrong stuff and she was focusing on her career and obviously we didn't have much to share. When problems arise, I just brushed them off. I forgot to spice our relationship up and it was just miserable for her. I understand why she wants to let go and give up. Because living with me then was really tough. It was hell for her, and she had to do so much just to compromise. Sorry babe, I just wish you would forgive me.

It was easy for me just to point fingers and blame everyone else when i was having it easy. Yet it wasn't easy for her to have to take it all in, defend everyone else and still tolerate.

I am responsible for all that had happened. I feel that as a guy, there are certain things to hold deep for and fight for. I will do what I can, because I was taught by her never ever to run away when shit happens.

Giving up has never be quite an option. Maybe it's because I don't know how to. But the LAST thing i would give up is on us.

What we really need to do now is to talk things out. Spend one whole day just talking. Relearn all the things i should have known years ago. I know I am so late. That I've fallen behind. I am gonna run ultra hard now.

2010-09-01T02:19:00.000+08:00

Something happy for you~

2010-08-31T19:20:00.004+08:00

林俊杰的害怕比较好听呢？

还是孙燕姿这首比较好听。。?

2010-08-31T12:46:00.007+08:00

Thanks qing ... for your entry ...

这几天来，我一直都在听罗志祥的歌。慢慢地真正明白他的歌。也看到他一直以来的努力。

而我也开始明白爱情的深度，非我所以为的那么简单。那些起起伏伏并非是坏事，只是让你更了解所有的一切。爱情随时都有可能发生，只看你怎样去掌握。

那时的我有两个选择；一辈子的好朋友，或是勇敢的做一次她的男朋友。。但我现在不晓得哪个选择是我或她一直都所要的。

---------------------------------------------------------

I think whatever happened has too much of a ripple effect. I looked at my friends and saw how much i could relate to them, suddenly. Either that i'm beginning to see the connections, or that everyone starts to reflect and even weirder stuff starts to happen.

2010-08-30T23:41:00.002+08:00

Today has no song! Probably cos none matches up.

Nothing much today. KZhang didn't manage to buy his G2000 blazer. For those of you who still don't know, G2000 has a crazy sale going on right now and if you are looking for any formal wear, do head down and take a look. I absolutely love the jacket i bought. =)

Went down to OC to meet the cj ppl for dinner.

Then we went to the rooftop garden. If you are feeling upset or feeling lovey dovey with your whoever, it's a wonderful place to go. Not suitable for people who are scared of heights though. Extremely windy, and the view is terrific. And please please do not step into the pond. Those water-plant-like-things create a false facade of soiled ground but no, it's a bloody pond.

Oh i had a dream last night. Woke up thinking it was real and perfect cos i roughly remembered how it ended. I was smiling, but then after 3 seconds, i was like chey. It was only a dream, but the extremely positive feelings evoked made the negative ones harder to bear. Ah well ... dreams are funny. But it might happen you know. I've had several deja vu that happened to my long-ago-dreams already. =)

2010-08-29T23:29:00.003+08:00

Plenty of observations and reflections today.

Went down to Parkway for some quick bucks.. which in the end after calculating the parking fees, that tshirt and then G2000 jacket that i bought today, i might have just lost about 1 dollar. =/

Haha really fml kind of thing but i think it's honestly not about the money. Actually think about it, if no work money then would have lost much more.

So about work, I am so glad for the awesome friendly colleagues! Even though it's my first time and I am seriously noob about it hence i wasn't confident in what was the right things to do, i got the hang of it pretty fast. And i am really proud of my people-reading skills. I know who can approach who got chance and who doesn't. Furthermore, i think i helped to push my colleagues a lot more and hence we hit the quota which is usually supposed to be for "good days". =))))

Well, Parkway being parkway, will always be associated to her. See the thing is i individually never have any associations with Parkway because i hardly do anything there on my own. So all memories with regards to Parkway always include her. For the first couple of hours it was really tough and i was afraid to be 'shyboy' or antisocial with my colleagues especially when the job requires the opposite. Can't help it la.

It's like the same with Dionne when I just kept on thinking she might just pop out suddenly but when logic kicks in, you know its impossible.

So anyway, the irritating thing was like Iyaz's Solo was playing non-stop in my mind, then when i finally got rid of it, it played in one of the shops when i walked past it. >.< But honestly i think i really like the song cos i think it has a really happy rhythm in it, though the lyrics are really imba.

Ok enough rambling. 3 issues.

Last night's talk with blonde revolved around emotional strength. Everyone has their own way to sort things out and deal with problems. Some people stay silent and some people run away for awhile, while some others choose to be in denial while others face them head-on. Staying silent and running away may not necessarily mean he is emotionally weak. All he's doing is his way of thinking things through, then dealing with it as he thinks through it, before coming back even stronger than before.

Emotional strength takes into account the time period. It also includes recovery time and resilience during the relevant period, especially not only when things happen. At that moment when things happen, the actions taken may portray weakness, yet in the long run, it may just turn out to be the stronger strategy.

I am not saying any strategy is right or wrong or which ways of doing things are stronger and weaker because no one can ever reach the conclusion even till the cow comes home. It would be a lot simpler to just accept that everyone solves their problems their own ways ... and that to live happily with someone, we just got to accept these differences.

Next, with problems, i don't ever run away. It may be interpreted as running away, but to me it's me taking time out to internalise and think through things and then returning happy because, well it's way too small to even be bothered about it. That's for 'small problems'

For big problems, i face it head-on. That is the truth. Thing is it sometimes gets me into lots of trouble because well ... the time isn't right. My emotions ain't right. Advantages are chop chop get it over and done with, but my friend asked me, won't i feel regret if things turn out bad?

Yes i might, but for awhile. Because i know the regret i would feel if i didn't do it would be way much much bigger. 5 years down the road when i look at it again and then i will start to question how would things have turned out.

For example, one of the regrets of my life is not running for house ic for the consecutive year. And because i wouldn't know how successful it would be. I don't want to be 60 years old and regret all the things i didn't do. I would rather i do something and regret it for a short time but yet learn a lot from it.

Life is about screwing up, if you like to think of it that way. Of course when i say do and try things, i am not saying go and do stupid things. These things have to be of the MOST CORRECT intentions and with a positive outcome in mind. Even if you fail, so be it.

Lastly, recently i notice a desire for me to have good positive last memories. I can't stand for negative last memories although i know logically it's not possible in the world. Some things are just not within our own control, yet honestly, i know some things you just got to try and do your best. Just like the previous point, if i have a negative last memory of a certain place, i will go there when the chance arises and make it happy once again.

Sorry i apologize for all these might seem like bullshit. But it's just me being honest with myself.

Parting thought ... It's been a really tough 2 weeks. Struggling, crying, holding it in, being strong outside, emo-ing till the verge you just feel like why is life so damn sad, and lots of why-must-it-turn-out-this-way ... all this pain and suffering ... the question is ...

Do they even hold up to what we already have? Are all these pain worth it now? Can i stop all these nonsense now?

6 years of memories. Replayed them phases by phases and then suddenly realized how much we both shared. It wasn't 2-3 years. It wasn't just a normal relationship. It was ours.

Ok let me be emo for the night.

Hanging out before i went into army. Cheering me up. Falling in love. Realizations of feelings. Heat exhaustion in army. First thought was her. Holding that hand. By the river. Promises before she flew off. Us being brave. Really brave. Those overseas phonecalls. Asking her to imagine me asking her to be my girl. Our anticipation of our 1st reunion. Buying calling cards. Skype. Webcam. Weekend emails. Playground. Our first kiss. Sadness before she goes back. Last night's packing. Goodbye and take care video messages. Xiao bi. Bi Zai. Bear bear. First visit. Second visit. Third visit. And all that anticipation in between. All the anniversaries. Our birthdays. Malaysia. Cruise ship. Taiwan. Hong Kong. All that movies. All the piggy backs. All the wu gui che. All the many many little things that i don't want to think of anymore cos it hurts.

Really worth it?

You can ask me until I am 75 years old, have changed so much, and probably suffering from dementia and I would still say no. Not worth it. Absolutely doesn't match up at all.

2010-08-28T23:13:00.004+08:00

Hahahaha omg 小猪 is such an idiot =p

小豬vs康康百分百大對抗模仿比賽

2007.12.13小豬在娛樂百分百模仿蘇打綠的青峰唱小情歌

小猪在刘德华面前模仿刘德华

娛樂百分百(TWINS 聽證會) - 小豬模仿劉德華、郭富城

And this is why I always love to see him and Jolin onscreen together.

2010-08-28T19:10:00.006+08:00

I think I'm feeling so much better because of acceptance. I always thought understanding and acceptance come hand in hand, but there will be times when you can't understand but you gotta accept. The main reasons behind what happened were primarily due to our general unhappiness.. and this was caused by our differences in values, with how we see things and do things.

So once I accepted this fact, other things just fall into place.

Then I talked to my favorite blonde psychology friend and I'm glad we speak the same language =p Different stages of life, different stages of a relationship require for different things. As long as we face up to these differences, it's so much easier to accept that this isn't what I was looking for either.

Right now, i am thinking of friendship. As much as I want to think for the future and for the wonderful mutual friends, for the sake of 6 years of memories, of not feeling pity for the wonderful things we have shared, I got to accept that her method of dealing with it is total cutoff.

Anyway, talking to blonde is an amusement because she understands me extremely well. I'm absolutely shocked to be honest. But she makes hell lot of sense.

Yet at the same time, it's sad to think that relationships could be so fragile. It seems that if u can imagine this checklist of things to match between 2 persons, it's almost impossible to match most of them. Yes I agree that as long as the important ones are matched, it's more or less alright. Yet any mismatch in any single one box can potentially ruin a relationship.

Okay dinner now at some jap restaurant! Very exp leh no work no money =(

*Update
During dinner, after all the talk about men and women and how different their communication styles are like, for the first time in 2 weeks, i felt excited about the future =) and i would like to choose to think of this as a huge step.

2010-08-28T13:17:00.002+08:00

Ter had a uniform party at his place last night and seriously, I felt old! Seeing the year 1s there and not knowing them just means time just passes like that.. maybe way too quickly. Sometimes time passes too quickly and u forgot to savor the moment of things and cherish them or do the extra bit of stuff. Maybe you were too caught up with things or maybe you were just waiting for the next stage of life to come along.

Met a few others later and headed down to CQ. Boombox was making everyone deaf and conversations were impossible till we all whipped out our phones and started chatting via typed messages. Lol was quite a sight but managed to know a few more friends.

Anyway was chatting with some friends of mine.. and then realized I was pretty obnoxious with regards to many things I did. Had a talk with my mum too and I hate to say this but I really got all the bad habits and weaknesses from my dad. The waiting and punctuality thing is one of the many many..

But frankly, my dad is lucky he's got my mum. She might not be the happiest but she stuck around and advised him, changed him, still making him improve, and do whatever it takes to make him see the need to and I believe she feels accomplished in how hard she tried to make things work.

Ah well.. So much for family upbringing and acceptance. Yet now I think of it, even though we differ much, all I wanted to keep on doing(perhaps without much strategy) is to make our differences smaller and make things work.. Yet i felt perhaps on the other hand, it was more of trying to accept everything in and then giving up when things seem to be unchangeable.

It's just how I feel. But we honestly have got big communication issues. Just look at how both families' communication models are like. Ah well.

Chillax! Have a good weekend folks! TGI Saturday!

2010-08-27T14:12:00.004+08:00

Went for HDB interview this morning. Was surprisingly early because i didn't know the journey to Toa Payoh would be so quick.

The written test comprised of 2-choose-1 scenario questions whereby we had to draft out a reply letter to the involved occupants. I think i did my best to make it as formal and as professional as possible.

Then because it was raining and i didn't have appetite to eat breakfast plus the room's aircon was super cold, i was shivering when i walked into the interview room.

It was a panel of 4 but only 2 of them spoke. I am quite sad because i think i messed it up. Appeared too nervous cos i was shivering and don't think i gave great answers. =(

Super sad.

Pathlight school just called me for an interview next week. But i think i would just go with the MOE research assistant for the time being.

Spent the last couple of hours thinking of what she had done in the relationship. To be honest, truly remarkable. The minor but many sacrifices she made just for the relationship is something i need to learn. I slacked off and the arms and legs that were supposed to be ever steady and strong grew weak. No one could have made me any happier. =)

2010-08-27T13:14:00.002+08:00

为那么长期容忍, 直到想放弃

但当您真实地珍惜, 必须知道怎样放弃

如果您有任何弱点，尝试去改变他们

款待大家为个体并否有如您占有

2010-08-27T03:45:00.003+08:00

我彻彻底底地被这首歌给打败了。

2010-08-27T03:31:00.002+08:00

There were plenty of days like today for the past 2 weeks, but I think today is truly the day of decisions. Whatever I’m writing here from today onwards means no offence to anyone, or contains any sort of hidden meaning and should be seen plainly as a method for me to recover. I sincerely apologise for any confusion, hurt or anger caused by my words. And I swear that these are the absolute truth to how I am feeling as I wrote them. No sarcasm. I just need to do this to help myself. Yet I guess I would probably look at all these in the future and wonder why I bothered to think so much.

Tonight, I realized how frustrating and tiring it was to maintain a smile or try to prevent spoiling a happy gathering with my mood. In the end, I just had to find some friends who I thought knew as closely to how I felt as possible. However, to be honest, no one absolutely knew how I felt because no one was in the position I was in before.

So I met some friends and I told them my realization of the reason behind my change in behavior. And I can’t believe it went back to Day 2 again with me bringing up the topic of shock, disbelief and unfairness. Ok, once again they drilled me to the harsh and cruel realities of the world; that people change as and when they like, and that they need not answer to anyone. That is the world for you, straight in the face. Well, I take it, and deep down I fear for the repercussions it might have. I also understood why ‘players’ are created because they just can’t bear to be hurt ever again. Why not do the hurting instead?

A friend called me and said that there was no chance we could meet. Honestly, it was disappointing to hear that, and also to her belief that I would have any sort of outburst if we did. You would probably be surprised by how I’ve became. But like what I told them, no one would believe if I say I’ve changed ALREADY. No one would believe me if I said I would do anything for things to go back to normal again. So I left it as that, because there was really no point in emphasizing something that no single soul believes in other than me.

It was disappointing to hear the many things over the phonecall, and once again I was in disbelief again. How can it be that I wasn’t aware at all? Or did she try hard enough to make sure the message got across to me? And it wasn’t only me, no one else around us was aware too. And if anyone was, why didn’t anyone say anything?

Well, I then started questioning what in the relationship was real, what was not? How could she send those messages the week before if she wasn’t happy all this while? Perhaps just like in the music video, she didn’t say no, or didn’t cry, or didn’t get angry, because she loved me. Honestly, I would very much she scream or shout or scold me when she felt angry or unjustified or when I couldn’t understand.
I thought she knew me well enough that I am a person to take it plainly. Don’t mask or sugarcoat anything because I will just take it as that. Perhaps what I was feeling unjustified about was that there was no ultimatum. There was no point of redemption.

But once again, my friends emphasized and regurgitated the point of the cruelties of the world. Ok if it is so, I really feel sad for the world, the people and all its happenings. One of them brought up the point of going into a relationship with the idea that there’s a risk of breaking up, of hurting each other. So I asked why then go into a relationship in the first place? Because clearly for me, it is with a happy ending in the mind right from the start.

If she is not ready to meet and talk about it, then I got to deal with things on my own part. My only intention of meeting to talk was so that she can give me the closure I needed, but right now, I strongly believe that it will end up with none like all my previous relationships.

I took down the 2 keychains which belonged to us. And I kept the glass souvenir of us from Hong Kong, and that photo of us on my graduation. I think I need to do that. By the way, the family portrait and the photos are ready for collection, so I supposed I got to discuss it with my parents and see what the eventual decision is.

Speaking of which, I still couldn’t understand why she did all that. Ok maybe she got ‘forced’ into taking the photos by me, as it was almost impossible to reject my suggestion at that point of time. But what I couldn’t really understand is why when we went to look at the sample photos, she could decide to buy one for her own room. Yet, I can only speculate now. Anyway, regarding the photo she bought, I would probably drop it at her place someday since she paid for it.

So back to the room, we discussed what will happen from now on. Then I realized how all-or-nothing I am like; very much like her as she told me. There are 2 paths I could take right now, and one is just to go about my business and wait for things to happen. The other path requires me to be cruel, to numb my heart, to think of her badly, but certainly will help me move on.

Thing is, it’s a pity to no longer see us as friends. It’s like all this while back to cj when we were special friends is going to dissipate just like that, just because I couldn’t offer her what she needs as a boyfriend.

I asked them if they still see any longing or hope in me, which I would like to hear as none. But one of them said there should be at least 15% still there. So I said next time the more times we meet, the lesser this hope will get.

Currently, I am in a little bit of an identity crisis because suddenly I don’t know what beliefs and values to stand for. My beliefs and values got knocked down. My optimism in things took a hit but I told them, I think I would still be optimistic about things, but when it comes to relationship, I would be extremely cautious. Then they said that when another girl comes along and I see hope, I will just jump right into it. Haha. Trust me, I will probably not put the least bit of attachment into it.

To her: I really don’t mean to make you hate me because I still want to see us as friends next time, but if it does, there’s really nothing I can do for now. I need to protect myself. You go read your secretletters to me and tell me what’s real and what’s not because I can’t tell anymore honestly. 4 years ago on 30th march, you said you will do anything for me. Does it still stand?

I know you believe there are some characteristics about me that we would all like to think of as innate, and fundamentally they can’t be changed. Yet I can tell you these now, just to name but a few, that I will not mind waiting an hour for you each time just to see you when you need me, that when I saw your property events photo, the first thing I felt was proud and that was the first time ever in 2 years, that I can be contented just silently standing by watching and supporting you in your career, that I will work hard to achieve what I set out to do for myself and my future family, that you will feel nothing but being loved and pampered, that I will put in all the effort to know you all over again; your work, your friends, and who you really are. That was the extent that I would go, simply because I know I would be extremely happy even though you would say I won’t be.

To you, the due date’s past and your decision’s final. Damn cruel very harsh. But do not ever feel bad, because for me, I only see goodness in you wanting me to learn, and it is only through this process would I be able to truly comprehend and take it all in.

What I especially feel sad for, is that there is not even a chance at redemption. No leap of faith from you to help us complete the fairy-tale ending you always love in your drama series. I like to see a future, but definitely it’s uncertain.

2010-08-26T13:15:00.002+08:00

記憶 ... ~

2010-08-25T12:26:00.002+08:00

Wrote plenty of stupid things because of emotions, and i had to regret and delete them away. Happened not once, not twice but over and over again. But those things must stop once and for all.

After all these days, it dawned on me that i had indeed changed first. I was lesser like the brave boy i was when i was 19. Now i know why people say when you are young, when you are a kid, you dare to dream, you dare to do things ... you dare to take plenty of leaps of faith. At that age, you were just possessed by this strength and belief that things will work out.

Things start to change when i grew older. Or rather, i started to change. I started to be fearful. I started to lose confidence in the things i do. I started to increase my 'what ifs' and decrease my 'yes i can do it'. All because I was open to the possibilities of failure. As i grew older over the past few years, the daunting thought of the future brought me closer to reality.

Perhaps back then, i didn't know what was the better option to take. I tried fighting reality and hence subconsciously conjured up baseless thoughts just to console and assure myself that things will turn out right. In actual fact, i was just really afraid to lose it all.

I was a supportive figure back then. I liked to think of myself as a pillar of hope and joy. To a lot of people around me. Over the years, i faded ... simply because i became afraid and fearful.

Hmmm now then the question is why? I guess initially was the uncertainties of the future, and my growing awareness of how much i was lacking or behind others. And then i tried holding on to the things i cherish, much too tightly. The tighter i held them, the more i pushed them away. I tried to compensate by putting false imaginations of my desired outcomes, much to the point of mild delusional. =/

All because i was afraid. And i thought fear and insecurity could be hidden. No i was wrong, because their subsequent effects just ebbed out towards the people around me, unknowingly to me. Yet it was very clear for me to see it now.

So much consolation for a psychology major to realise all this.

I think coming in touch with reality once again has infused certain beliefs in me. Yes we can all feel fear, and more often than not, we will feel it as we grow up. You just got to deal with it by constantly improving yourself and making sure you are well-adept and sufficiently-prepared in your pursuit of your goals.

It wouldn't make sense for you to dream of things with the courage and hope of a naive young boy, or dream of things with the delusional mindset of a fearful young man.

Be the hope and support once again, and strive with a strong and determined basis like who you ought to be.

=)

2010-08-24T17:41:00.006+08:00

Today's been real tough.

但我是只打不死的蟑螂.

2010-08-24T15:13:00.000+08:00

Absolutely love it at 3:15.

2010-08-23T15:43:00.005+08:00

捉不到这首歌最真实的意思 =/ 但非常好听.

2010-08-22T22:35:00.003+08:00

So i asked my friends, what do they hate about me. One of them said my stubborn need to get detailed closures. Haha oh well ...

Ok so i can retain the things people love about me. Whew~ My optimism, my easy-going nature and my penchant for happiness. Yay!! Of course top it up with lots of other things which i now know. =)

More jokes to come folks but i can assure you they would be fully upgraded. Hahaha ..

For the rest of it, words are just words and talk is cheap. Only time and action can truly tell and show.

Smile dude, because you know you are blessed. =)

2010-08-22T16:35:00.004+08:00

Very cute MTV. 但是 ... 这不是误会.

2010-08-21T13:21:00.002+08:00

A night in the car turned into this ...

My life has always been very blessed. Truly ... cos honestly, when are the blips in it? I can only think of 3 distinct ones currently. 3 in a total of 25 years? You must be thinking i am joking, but it's pretty much true.

In a way, i am always very fulfilled. And especially so when i was ending my tertiary year 3 because my academic goals were going to be achieved, and it's only a matter of time. Things always turn out right, at least for 90% of the things i was doing. And i think i ought to be ashamed of it.

I always thought i need to do one of those volunteering activities, so that perhaps i could be more in touch with the unpleasant side of life, or just to be more real with regards to the world outside.

True, I've went to army and then i did coaching, and along the way i've met people who are less fortunate. But then i realized, until the day when i begin to feel 'in need' or 'lacking', can i truly feel the full magnitude of the effects.

I've always been ... happy? Or rather i've almost mostly chose to feel positive emotions such as happiness, joy and peace instead of negative ones like sadness, anger and frustration. This becomes a habit such that when I have no choice but to feel negative emotions, due to their rarity, I simply do not know the best way to cope with them.

It has been like that since i was 19, when i was feeling the lousiest, when i was at my lowest, due to certain circumstances, immediate positive feelings were piled very quickly on top of these sadness and anger, layers after layers, and that this led to 2 outcomes. Firstly, it became my natural defense mechanism to resolve negative feelings by piling lots of positive feelings on top. It is just like what one of my friends said: I have continuously choose to upgrade my happiness-feeling component that my negative-feeling component is extremely under-leveled and raw. Secondly, which is exclusive to the particular situation, is that i don't remember much of the experiences associated with the negative emotions plainly because i focused much much more attention on the memory associated with the positive experiences.

Anyway, back to the point about fulfillment. I cannot ever deny my parents love me. They have given me the opportunities to experience different things in life. You know it's like how people say they want to travel and see the world. Well, these kind of positive experiences i was never devoid of. Yet there is always compensation.

I've been sleeping in a comfortable queen-sized bed for since i was 17. I have a huge-ass tv in my room with my own entertainment systems. I don't need to think much for a sec when i order a certain meal in a restaurant. I don't need to think about transport issues when i want to go out and stay out late. I am well in touch with the latest technology because i have them. And so much more. There's always food on the table. There's always a house to go back to. There's always clothes to wear. There's always stability. And things will pan out eventually.

I think the point here is clear. I need to go live under a void deck, sell the computer, stop driving the car, and never ever bring out the credit card.

My question to myself is: How can you ever have the drive when you feel fulfilled every single day?

Of course don't quote me and say that there is self-fulfillment, spiritual fulfillment, family fulfillment, etc. You know what i am talking about.

And this leads me to my personality, my characteristics. Shaped by my upbringing, family, culture and environment.

I am who i am, and it wouldn't make sense to instantly snap out of this identity. Yet, I am very convinced that my take on certain things in life could be re-shaped and re-directed in a better way.

Then there is this realization on my source of motivation. 2 nights ago, i was so convinced it's mostly external. It was never internal. Until last night when a dear friend of mine strongly said mine is definitely internal. Because to have a certain drive, you would need a source of motivation. Ok right now i am still convinced it's mostly external. I excel in things solely for the recognition of relevant people, and only through this recognition do i feel good about myself. (But honestly i don't know, because when i think back to the moments when i finished my 32km route march, or when i was standing on the stage after arts camp, i felt so damn good about myself). If i set a goal or dream, i am realistic enough to know it will happen. Yet at the back of my mind, i would tell myself it's fine if it doesn't happen.

Why do i see no need to prove things to myself? Instead, i always see an extreme need to prove things to others.

Because all along, visually if you can imagine, i have been 'fed' outwards in, always from people around me. In a manner, this leads to my need to return this 'thing' outwards to the people around me. It's hard to imagine, but i have definitely learnt so much more about myself.

I think i have digressed.

I just like to end off with this.

Do i subscribe to the thought of "What happened, happened for a reason?", or "Whatever the universe plans out, it will happen?". Well ... I think i do. I think we can't change fate. Pardon me for all the flashforward ideas, but i think that if it's meant to happen, if you try changing it, the universe has a strange way of correcting its course.

2010-08-19T16:20:00.002+08:00

Relations.

I finished watching Lost awhile back, and boy it was good. There were really no definite answers and a lot depended on the viewers' own interpretation. I am onto Flashforward's last episode in Season 1 now. It is beginning to dawn on me that a lot of similarities exist. The overriding themes and styles are simply uncanny.

Alternate realities. Different choices different outcomes. The what-could-have-beens. Dealing with the future and fate. The Universe correcting its own course.

Getting all these thoughts and ideas into my current life right now, it's one epiphany after another.

2010-08-18T19:56:00.000+08:00

Flashforward anyone? Maybe 1 year into the future?

2010-08-16T13:33:00.004+08:00

Jay Chou's lyrics usually just brush past me easily, as though they don't mean much.

But today when I turn on my iTunes and listen to 說了再見, every line meant so much.

天涼了　雨下了　妳走了

清楚了　我愛的　遺失了

落葉飄在湖面上睡著了

想要放　放不掉　淚在飄

妳看看　妳看　看不到

我假裝過去不重要　卻發現自己辦不到

說了再見　才發現再也見不到

我不能就這樣失去妳的微笑

口紅待在桌角　而妳我找不到

若角色對調妳說好不好

說了再見　才發現再也見不到

能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉

說好陪我到老　永恆往那裡找

再次擁抱一分一秒都好

Suddenly, i am filled with this burning desire, this fire. I will fight for you. Be the best in who i am.

2010-08-10T13:44:00.001+08:00

Time to get a job!!!

2010-08-04T14:56:00.000+08:00

Today's newspapers report anticipated overload on the wireless networks due to a sudden surge in the number of smartphone users. I think i kind of experienced that yesterday, perhaps Singtel called many many people other than me and everyone else was just playing with it.

Anyway yesterday afternoon, i went down to singtel to collect my iphone 4. So at the counter beside me was an auntie who was conversing in mandarin to the sales exec. She was saying she wants to just make calls and send sms. Then i glanced over ... only to see her holding onto an iphone 4.

Zzzz.

2010-08-03T21:34:00.002+08:00

So, i am coming nearer and nearer to the end of my unemployed days. Been a little more active in looking for suitable jobs these 2 days and i've gotten a couple of calls so far.

Went down to AMK hub Singtel Hello shop to collect my iPhone 4 just now. WHEEEE finally got my hands on it. You know when i first gotten my iPhone 3G, i knew there would be no other phone i would be using ... i guess 4G just makes it all the more sweeter.

Right now, all i need is the perfect job.

2010-07-29T14:51:00.002+08:00

Having finished Manchester United The Biography, the club that i've supported since i was 13 now becomes a much complete story. The culture, the history and all the great stars who have once owned a piece of the red history become the very fundamental to which Manchester United is who they are now.

Matt Busby set the standard, and thank goodness for Mark Robins who "rescued" Sir Alex Ferguson's career, we have now a world-beating championship team. And it's not only that, because across domains such as management and leadership, having SAF there and him almost quitting to looking for a successor, they all become things which are very sensitive, very delicate and could probably be hazardous if handled foolishly.

So many generations of players ... from the golden triumvirate of Best, Law and Charlton ... to King Eric Cantona ... to 'you don't win anything with kids' Beckham, Giggs, Scholes ... to the unforgettable European Champions which i still vividly remember that night in 1999. Schmeichal, Sheringham, Solskjaer, Cole and Yorke ... plus the free-scoring Ruud Van Nistelrooy to our solid Jaap Stam.

But SAF has always maintained that no one is ever bigger than the club and i think this belief and culture have been positive traits in the club. Cristiano Ronaldo came and dazzled all of us. Inspired me to do more stepovers and go for the fanciful rather than boring ol soccer. Together with Rooney and Tevez, we had another golden trio ... and we won our 3rd European Championship over Chelsea, thanks aplenty to John Terry and Nicholas Anelka ... and of course our evergreen Edwin Van Der Sar.

Looking at the highlights of last night's game against the MLS All Stars, I think we once again have a great squad. Giggs and Scholes may be in the last couple of years, but they will provide the kind of guidance that SAF always preaches. I wanted to mentally form a team made up of the next gen ... starting with Macheda, Welbeck, Hernandez up front, with Nani, Valencia on the wings, Gibson, Cleverley, being the midfield engines, Smalling, Evans, Rafael and Fabio in defence ...

Then i remember we still have Rooney, Berbatov, Park, Carrick, Scholes, Fletcher, Giggs, Ferdinand, Evra, Vidic and Brown ... =)

2010-07-19T19:07:00.002+08:00

Day 1: Of Chillaxing and the familiar smell of the Sea

So on friday, Ariel(thanks dude!) came and fetch Trina and I to the airport. Had a good macs breakfast while Cheryl and Minsi arrived. Tried to persuade Ariel to just buy a ticket and board the plane with us =p He would be crazy to have done that but ah well ... Flight was delayed for a bit haha budget airline what to do ...

Got to Krabi Airport at about 2 plus pm. Bought a ticket on the shuttle bus to Ao Nang Pier. Had our first thai meal there ... very yummy ... then had to wait for the longtail boat to fetch us across to Railay. We were all a little surprised of having to wade into the water to get into the boat but all of us got used to it as we had to do that everyday ..

Checked in but initially there was an issue about us 4 people sharing into a 'triple-sharing' room so i quietly 'disappeared'. Then tu a bit here and there before making our way around the island exploring it. Started turning dark as we were walking around the other side of the island. Had another great dinner then went for massage. Speaking of which, we didn't hit our quota of 6! Hahahah but it was with high optimism that they wanted to hit that number. Booked the 4 island tour for the next day before going back to the room to chill. And even booking a tour also can bargain until damn tiring.

Day 2: Of big waves, bargaining and being sea aliens.

Breakfast was another sneaky affair as we were only given 3 breakfast coupons. So i just detoured and walked in from the side and joined them at the table. In the end, over the days, no one really checked. And we learnt that their way of life there is whatever can be earned can be arranged. So if there's money to be made, they will help you think of solutions or just close one eye to allow some sort of monetary benefit for themselves.

Took the longtail out for the tour of the 4 islands. Tourists everywhere but mostly angmohs. Suntanned a bit and snorkelled which sucked cos visibility was really bad. Then the boatman said got big wave so can't go back by the usual route to Railay bay so since we were planning to go Ao Nang to walk around, we had them dropped us there. And walking around with wet swimming trucks all day ain't a good idea cos it just made you wanna piss. Shopped around, did another but extremely shiok Thai massage. This one is pure gymnastics. I was contorted beyond contortions and my bones cracked like nobody's business but hell i groaned till the girls were all wondering whether it was pain or pleasure.

Went for dinner then went back to the pier only to be greeted by the news that we had to pay 400 baht more to go back .. and that is like 17SGD more per person. So damn angry la ... but bo bian so had to pay. Then some uncle drove us to some ulu damn dark pier on the other side before the longtail got us back to Railay. Thing is it was low tide so there was quite a distance between where the boat stopped and the shore and walking through the mangrove beach is no joke. But for people looking at the shore, we definitely looked like some sort of sea aliens emerging and invading the land.

Decided that today was too eventful so tmr shall be a more chillax day.

Day 3: Of being a tai ke (taiwanese dude)

We had breakfast before chilling by the seaside for an hour. Took the boat across to Ao Nang and rented 2 motor bikes. Funny thing is i never rode one before but i was always confident of handling motor vehicles. But it was damn funny when i didn't know how to on it. And the uncle definitely knew we all didn't have some sort of bull licence for it but he still rented it to us. Nice guy la cos after that he settled our next day's transport to the airport too with a mega huge mini bus for the 4 of us at a crazily cheap rate.

Anyway back to the highlight of the trip, the moment i got on the motor scooter and started riding it, straightaway i thought of hai jiao qi hao and all the taiwanese guys who rode scooters like that. Damn funny damn exciting. Rode quite a distance to Krabi town with Minsi as my pillion. Super exciting cos it's like no legal as well as you know the dangers and also the speed and the wind that all happened at the same time. It's different from cars cos you could truly feel the sense of speed via the wind across your face.

Did shopping at Krabi town before riding back to Ao Nang to catch the last (cheap) boat back to Railay. Had a fantastic dinner with bbq beef, fish, chicken and pineapple fried rice before going back to our room to crash.

Day 4: Of last minute tanning and realisation of reality

Did some last min tanning and packed up before we went back to Ao Nang to take the mini bus to the airport. Great trip overall had a great tan and virgin motor scooter experience! =)

2010-07-13T19:10:00.000+08:00

GRADUATE LOH!

2010-07-09T17:49:00.002+08:00

Today i went back to the place that i spent more than a year at while in my active ns days. As in i literally stopped the car and walked down into the building0. The office has changed pretty much ... it's much neater now and the desks and cupboards are rearranged already. It was nostalgic to actually peek in now that it's none of my business anymore.

I walked through the huge hangars ... trying to feel the souls of my fellow colleagues which were so familiar and tried imagining them doing their work, slacking and playing daiti in one corner, body maintenance for hours and the numerous stunts that happened in the quiet little building of ours. Now even the structure and hierarchy of the people there have changed. But honestly it felt good just standing there, soaking in the atmosphere as we sent in the stores.

Then as i walked back to the car, the grass ground which was always wet because of the water from the tap .. still remains wet. And i could almost hear Zico shouting and cursing with Albert in the background. Once again, Shaun comes to mind and i regret not talking much to him back then. But to my dear friend up there, don't worry our office is still there, our obms no more already so don't need flush anymore =)

2010-07-05T20:55:00.002+08:00

It's like the demise of a good friend.

You see, my iPhone died.

I like to think of it as a sign. Because i brought it into camp today and i was a happy boy for the whole day because it is so easy to use, people can hear me clearly when they call me, and i can play with it while rotting my time away. But the thing is, i wasn't supposed to do that. So perhaps it died to save me from possibly bigger consequences. Or maybe because the iPhone 4 is coming to Singapore, and so it's just a surefire way for me to purchase it.

But honestly, i feel really really really sad. However some financial facts about it first. This phone has cost me plenty of money, not including the monthly bills and the purchasing price of it, it caused me to get into my first major accident the day after i bought it. Repairs costs and compensation amounted to 2k. And now, a perfectly working phone went from functional mode to exhibition mode ... with repairs costs estimated at $350SGD. Oh yay. But don't worry, I ain't gonna spend the few hundred on repairs when i can use it for the iPhone 4.

Thing is, it just happened so suddenly. I was getting out of the car with all the barung barungs and because i was carrying so many things, my phone which i stupidly didn't put inside my pocket slipped out of my hand and onto the tarmac ground. I picked it up and on the outside it seemed fine. No cracks or dents and i was pretty happy it was just a minor scratch on the screen protector. I pressed the home button and voila! ... the white screen of death greeted me. =(

I was cursing and swearing and i was thinking why the hell did i not get a thicker all round front and back handphone protector cover casing whatever you call that. Rarh.

And to think i just downloaded new apps last night before i slept. And all the messages and photos. Thing is i haven't used my mac laptop for quite sometime so i haven't synced for really long. Yet come to think of it now, it's only the screen that's spoilt so technically, if i am to plug it into a comp, i would still be able to sync it.

Ah well. I think i have been hit too many times by attachment issues that each time, it gets less painful.

Either way, will use another phone for now. Get the new iphone when it's out. Resync by old phone to the laptop. Update the new phone. Be happy.

2010-06-29T19:30:00.003+08:00

You see. The problem with actually spending time doing camps makes time fly really fast. It was like the start of June when it all began, and now it's the end. I am just sad i didn't really have much time to do the things i wanted, yet i cant bargain much. I've done whatever else i could to hang around the place as much as i could, helped influenced a few more kids and had plenty of fun.

And come to think of it now, if i had chose to stay at home all this while and when today ends, i would probably regret all these wasted days.

Interview today was delusional. There is really a fine balance between being honest and yet bullshitting and selling yourself. You want that job, you got to act really garung and enthusiastic about it. Else you go home with this effed up feeling that the chance has flew away again. I mean seriously, what work or job ain't hard? You just got to put in the hours and effort and work at it. Even if it's sales or marketing, no one's gonna have it easy.

I mean i can't always be fickle-minded and choosy over this kind of stuff. There's always something to learn out there. Ah well time to reflect and think about all these stuff.

2010-06-26T14:12:00.002+08:00

Haven't blogged for far too long. Went to Jakarta and had an amazing camp there. Came back with really bad diarrhoea which i've never experienced before. But the participants i had were terrific. It was great seeing my friends over there too and making new ones.

Came back on sun and was asked to be a mentor in junior camp. Felt that due to the diarrhoea, i was not giving my all for the camp but nevertheless, the growth overall among coaches, pd/apd and the participants were remarkable.

I've got several days to relax before going back for my first ever reservists. Really dreading it but i'm kind of mentally preparing myself for it. Ah well ... 2 weeks will pass by very quickly.

2010-06-09T19:02:00.001+08:00

You know how last time you would know if you wanna do any camps, you can choose to ... whereas during last night, i knew it's gonna be tough for me to do anymore from now on. Maybe when i get that feeling once again ...

It was a camp whereby i had other objectives in mind. I wasn't paying so much attention to ensuring that the participants get the best out of it ... rather i was more concerned about the coaching team, and the growth and development of the apd. I wanted to make sure that new coaches enjoy themselves and would come back more in order to ease this period of transition.

Alright, guess this closes another chapter in my life. I will always have an affiliation with that place, and the people there.

2010-06-01T14:45:00.000+08:00

So i've received my results. Heng everything passed. Yayyy officially done with school.

Going Sentosa to get some sun ... hopefully still got some left ...

2010-05-26T17:40:00.000+08:00

Arghhh job interviews ... Sibei sian.

2010-05-20T17:37:00.002+08:00

I haven't given up, and I don't want to. But it's really tough.

Especially when what i deem as the most basic essentials ain't in place.

2010-05-15T19:35:00.002+08:00

I've been playing poker for awhile, and i always relish the experience of a new challenge or when friends use all their skills during our games.

I hated playing against aggressive player.

I also hated playing against calling stations.

Last night, i got exposed to a new group of players who just shove all in when possible.

But i think i adapt fast. Give me aggressive players and calling stations now and they would be my money tree. Yet, i am trying to shape my play and style to total unpredictability. It's tough, and i realise too many of the usual games with the same group of people is although fun and relaxing, we tend to rely too much on the character profiling we have done over the years.

I folded my top pair top kicker to fai's raise. Simply cos i know how he plays.

Yet up against new strangers, my play was very curbed. Had i more information night, i would be up much more in chips.

Ah well but last night was good. Even though i lost 20 bucks in the end, the experience was priceless.

2010-05-09T16:25:00.001+08:00

Been playing my socks off. Play until got upper back and neck muscle strains. HAHA not from playing la but i don't know how i did pumping until like that. I think is overexertion in an awkward position most probably.

Salonpas Gel is my best friend now.

2010-05-02T14:44:00.003+08:00

Last 5 days of studying for exams ... Been a pretty fast semester, although it was pretty repetitive after a few weeks with all the readings and weekly reaction essays. Got to know a few good friends from psychology like Ben, JRM, Huiqi, Gilyn, Phoebe, Cheryl, Michael ... Spent much more time with friends i knew last sem like Suet Chian, Mark and Marianne over more projects ...

Little tough sem for me regarding the bumps and disappointments. All the hassles and troubles seem to come on a bit more these few months.

A lot less poker this sem with the last time we all played being during CNY. But way a lot more dota in return, with much more thought put into heroes choosing and team dynamics now that we have got more or less 4 consistent players.

Watched Ip Man 2 the other day and the fight scenes are good! Spent a lot of last night reading up on Ip Man, and that Leung guy who was his first disciple and Bruce Lee's past history. It's very overwhelming to realise the number of good fighters then ... especially when my mum used to tell me my granddad had a kungfu school and he actually taught disciples when he younger.

Ironman something soon i hope. Hope the dive trip materialise and then maybe if there are spaces, will go to Jakarta to do some coaching.

2010-04-26T13:39:00.002+08:00

I think I more or less understand now why I am taking it much more easier than previous sems.

My exams are so damn spaced out.

Whacking something for 4 full days is like the maximum i can go before i nothing else goes in anymore.

Last night I asked Stoke to give Chelsea a good match. Stoke gave them 7 goals.

And so my Liverpool friend told me that maybe that game against Liverpool has more hope, i thought long and hard about it and nothing really makes sense. Why would Liverpool want to win and then allow Man Utd to break their 18 titles record? It doesn't make any sense for them to win this game and save their already failed season with a 7th place finish regardless of whether they win or not and hand Man Utd that 19th title.

In all honesty, I think Rafa hates to let Alex win. They are like the archest of all enemies. Liverpool is definitely going to do a Stoke this weekend, and probably go 1 up better by losing 8-0.

Seriously, what else is there for Liverpool to play for? Pride? PUI!

2010-04-25T17:38:00.002+08:00

Did lasik. Love my vision now. Though the experience was like Tom Cruise in minority report's bath tub scene where the spider bot searched for him and scanned and his eye.

Watched Kick Ass and Date Night this week. Kick Ass is like Happy Tree Friends, Date Night with Steve Carell is always funny.

2010-04-23T00:13:00.000+08:00

Ok i need this today.

3 things i am thankful for today:

1) Telling my friend how i felt and he understood.

2) That sms which made me smiled.

3) Eating McDonald's sundae

2010-04-22T19:47:00.002+08:00

I often look at my friends tweets or blog posts and feel a lot of emotions from them. They are often in CAPS or with lots of exclamation marks and vulgarities.

I hate to do it here. Sorry i need an outlet.

FUCK! KNN la this thing has been bothering me for like so super long and honestly i am in no mood to study. i snapped at my mum just now and i have no idea why. i am stressed because i haven't been studying and i don't have much time. i know. a lot of things are due to my own fault and my own fucking stupid expectations.

ok the letter finally came. i didn't make it. i don't understand and i will never understand. sure i underperformed on that day. i screw it up. but don't tell me i've not been selected because it hurts like shit.

travel plans didn't materialise. so nvm. but aiya i ain't gonna talk about this.

but mum came in and tell me about this danger that danger with this and that. i know she meant well. i know she does. i love you mum. and i was wrong to sound hostile. but seriously, i am on a short fuse now.

lasik. another thing. nvm. fine since they said i should get someone to send me home after surgery so i ain't gonna do it this sat. the impulsive me is swearing at me but the heck-it me just says heck it.

honestly the normal me would have thought all of these as trivial and extremely childish. but sorry i am in a childish mood. i am in a fucking immature state right now and i swear i am sinking deeper.

i cant take it that this aftnoon we met to do up the masks not with any goals in sight and just doing so that we can see an end to it ... because of our own commitments, we couldn't carry on with it. i am sad because it seems as though we are giving up without a fight.

imagine scoring highest for presentation is one of the more positive things these weeks .. when i shldnt really be bothering about this because there are enough positive things to go around.

maybe i will never understand. so be it. and honestly. i hate to take my parents' money and go on holidays. i should just stay at home after exams and not go anywhere or do anything. look for a job ASAP and be self-sufficient. why the hell does my happiness mean so much to them when i don't feel good about it at all. i don't want to be fed anymore.

if i go on. i will just do stupid things. time out now. think things through.

2010-04-17T22:28:00.002+08:00

Study week is here. Received our marks for advanced abnormal presentation. It was truly shocking. Firstly, we presented on the same case study as the group RIGHT before us because they were doing GAD as well.

Thing is Dr Pang already mentioned something about us being matured enough to go sort things out among ourselves so that there's no repeat of the same stuff. Honestly, ALL of us in my group were in shock when the previous group flashed their first slide, with the patient's name. We were like ... oh shit.

Our presentation went alright. According to plan. But it wasn't like awesome. And we thought we just did average. Well ... we somehow managed to score the highest. No idea how. No idea why.

But boy am I happy. It's one of the most positive things ever for these few weeks.

2010-04-11T23:47:00.002+08:00

This is the last week of my official schooling life. Yet pretty much stoned over it. The thought of failing any module and not graduating struck me suddenly a few days back and honestly it made me REAL scared.

I looked back on this semester and reflected on what have i actually done. Well, i've done the bare necessities. Played A LOT but still manage to consistently hand in the required assignments. I supposed aside from the correctional mid terms which i didn't do too well, the rest are pretty decent.

I finished playing Heavy Rain yesterday. And being someone who doesn't see myself replaying games, i went to read up on the other possible endings. Very cool. There was even a hack cheat to get Madison all naked and walking around the room. But i couldn't manage to do it. Ethan's storyline felt a lot like the movie Saw. Norman's ARI device is way cool. And it's only towards the end when it ALL hits you. Like why the murderer did all that stuff. I was getting very much attached to the characters that i refused to let them die.

Because i cannot imagine an ending without them.

Sounds stupid but yeah. Always the optimist.

Moral issues brought out many thinking points and the suspense created by the sounds and music is excellent. My friend even commented should be made into a movie. I agree too. =)

2010-04-05T16:59:00.002+08:00

It's funny how i got exposed to 2 cases of r/s recently whereby the girl is held 'hostage' by their bf despicably. And it's really puzzling why the girls allow such things to happen.

I attempted to do profiling for both of them and i realized they have a lot of fear. Usually due to the things they have done ... but even if its due to fear of their parents knowing, i cannot fathom the thought that parents do not stand by their daughter's side against the evil bf.

HAHA trust me to say that when i was once the 'evil' bf and someone had to use her dad against me. Funny how things work out eh?

Anyway my point is this, a girl should never be the overly extreme xiao nue ren and everything is so dependent on the guy's mood. Whatever threats he comes up with ... erm guys should never even come up with threats in the first place.

It's just sad la. And it's been ongoing for so long. Like wtf la. And i thought i got pretty good logic and persuasion skills. Now i am just using all kinds and methods of questioning just to let her see some sort of light. Can't believe the blindness.

2010-04-04T22:48:00.001+08:00

I am amazed how chillax my last semester is. Everyone seems to be slogging their asses off. But also it's cos i ain't aiming that much. Revision for exams gonna be a bitch though.

Man Utd lost to Chelsea yesterday. But an offside goal. Terrible refereeing seriously.

2010-03-27T14:09:00.000+08:00

I hope i don't feel like crap later after the run. Last year was bad. Zhang and I were both walking dead after the run.

Last night's episode of survivor invoked frustration in me cos Tyson was stupid enough to cause his own ousting in the tribe. And i believe this to be the major turning point in the season whereby should the rumours be true, Russell and Parvati will then go all the way to the finals. Imagine if Tyson had stuck to his vote, Russell would be gone, and then Parvati next. Not that i really know who Parv is and i think she's pretty hot, all the other survivors think she's as scheming and bad as Cirie, so that's pretty bad. I just loathe Russell. Previous season when he didn't win, that brought a bit of sympathy from lots of Americans ... well including me because he indeed played the best game, and was the mind behind everything.

BUT you CANNOT ever be arrogant. He was predicting who's voting for him and all that crap and when he didn't win, he couldn't take it and accept it. Indeed he played a good but LYING game, one has doubts over trust and his character. I definitely wouldn't vote for him if he had blindsided me.

Sorry for my biasness for Rob cos i've watched him in amazing race and his game in survivor this season is tops too. Ah damn ... hate to see him go ...

2010-03-25T15:48:00.000+08:00

School's officially ending in a month. Can't wait.

2010-03-14T00:42:00.003+08:00

My body clock is officially screwed. Cos i tried waking up at 830am on friday. ... and throughout the whole day, i was DESPERATELY in need to crash. Damn jialat.

Didn't receive any call for 2nd round of interview. Seems like all these years, i've conditioned myself such that i would always rate my performances as alright ... all because of the disappointments that expectations always give me. And these disappointments hurt much more than lowering my self esteem or whatnots with 'alright' performances.

Same thing with the correctional psych test. I THOUGHT i had the questions from last sem hence i would do decently well. But nope. Got pawned.

Have been playing Final Fantasy XIII these couple of days. Thing is ... i guess i've been waiting for a really good one all these years. Cos honestly, if you ask me about FF10 or FF12, they don't rate that highly alongside FF7 and FF8. I mean, i hardly remember anything about FF12 cos they reworked so much stuff ... FF10 was good in terms of characterisation ... and that's about it. Okay of course it was a leap in terms of graphics as compared to FF8.

But i think what that two had ... was a solid story. They started coming up with a lot of weird stuff lately ... so for now, i'm still looking and analyzing FF13.

2010-03-06T17:36:00.002+08:00

The girl went to BKK. Without me. So i am angry with her. Haha. What a simple reason just to feel the emotion of anger.

Positive Psychology classes is having a much significant impact on me than i would have expected. It has led me to being a more 'bo chup' person, simply because of all the questioning of what RIGHTS do we as human beings really have.

Almost 4 years of Arts and Social science drilling has made me constantly ask, who are you or who am i to judge what is right or wrong. Right is only a matter of norms or what the majority believes in. Wrong is just being different.

I've got plenty of wrong moments too ... and it's difficult to accept them as 'wrong'. Furthermore, it becomes conflicting to think we are encouraged to be creative and be different.

Oh well. Gonna do my part for my project on Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Basically people who worry too much. Or even there's a model about people who WORRY about WORRYING. It's like getting stressed about being stressed.

Yesterday's interview went alright i guess. Written test was on the healthcare developments in Singapore. I think i wrote what was expected of an Arts student. Pretty awkward to have mine on 3 printed papers and theirs on one. But oh well, i had 1.5 line spacing so i am not sure how much different that makes.

Then we had to present on our writeup. To be honest, i've had better presentations. And i've been in a better state for presentation. But i think i did my best then. Don't know how boring i sounded sitting on the chairs though cos the other guy's presentation was boring to me.

Perhaps it was what i choose to pay attention to, or what i was biased about, i think i did stand out more among the candidates. I was getting a lot of positive signals from the interviewers' body language too (or at least i think so), so hopefully, i do receive the call for the 2nd interview.

But if not, oh well .. it has been a fabulous experience from this single interview alone. =)